Star Wars: A New Gloat

If we're going to build his bullshit museum we should really sit Lucas down first and explain it's not a museum about him it's a museum about Star Wars. If you really think about it Lucas kinda sucks ass. Star Wars was just sort of a fluke. Don't believe me? Well, here's the link to his IMDB page
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000184/
Yeah, just read over it for a moment. The shit far outweighs the gems and just because he's a special kind of narcissistic dumbass (the type who demands a museum because he made one good movie that one time) he just can't quit while he's ahead which is why he insists on ruining the few things he actually did right. 
Fuck this museum!I is it really worth feeding this guy's ego by paying an admission fee that will have all but the biggest dipshits feeling like they just ripped off just to look at the flight suit Luke wore in his X-Wing, or Lando's cape?
The interesting thing about Star Wars is while it's his masterpiece it also highlights just how fucking inept he is. For one thing, he didn't even direct the best one (Empire Strikes Back) and what was his big idea for Return of the Jedi? They built a second fucking Death Star?? So the big idea that failed so spectacularly the first time, they're just gonna go ahead and do it again except even shittier this time around because now it has to stay in proximity to Ewok world so it can have its shield? That's what we're supposed to believe? Think about the series as a whole. The majority of them suck anyway. Out of 6 there are only 2.5 good ones!
 Eat shit Lucas. You're really more of a toy maker than a filmmaker. Let's be honest you owe the bulk of your success to the fact licensing Star Wars merchandise turned out to be wildly profitable. The only reason this being called the "George Lucas" museum and not just the "Star War" museum is because this thing is meant to pander to pretentious types who want to pretend that this side show attraction is about the celebration of an exceptional "filmmaker" and not just a prop exhibit attached to a toy store.
Fact is he's gone one thing on his resume, and he's shown us time and time again he has no ability to be consistently good. This museum is bullshit. 

If You're Brave...

If you've ever re-posted a meme requesting people who don't share your views on some issue "delete you now," please go ahead and delete yourself now. I don't mean delete your profile from some digital acquaintances list, but delete your body from this plane of existence. Please kill yourself. Most people won't be brave enough to re-post this but a few will. Will you? Well, no because re-posting a meme doesn't make you brave...at all not in the least bit. All it does is stroke the ego of some dick stick with Photoshop and too much time.

Medicinal use

Not to brag but it has just been confirmed sex with me has medicinal benefits! My girlfriend was complaining of a headache I had sex with her and it cleared right up. So I have the sperm of a Shaman. Until someone has told you there are clear medical benefits to your genitals you shouldn't feel like your life is all that great.

Keep the Faith

Interfaith relationships are very interesting to me. Probably because its an example of why you don't need to take your particular denomination too seriously. One glaring example of this is Jewish/Christian couples.  So the foundation of Christianity is the belief that Christ was God on Earth and you can only achieve salvation by accepting him as your savior. Isn't that in rather stark contrast to the belief he was a heretic and a phony? Christmas sort of highlights this.  I suppose it's a bit of an Abrahamic Romeo and Juliette sort of situation.

I Wanna Live Forever!

Don't get me wrong I appreciate modern science. I am fully aware without the efforts of great scientific minds we wouldn't have things like antibiotics, an electric grid, or spray cheese. Yes if it weren't for the many breakthroughs brought to us by modern science chances are I would not be here today shooting my mouth off over this global communications network called the internet, however I do like to think I also recognize when people are running a gambit and the scientific community seems to be plenty full of charlatans and I'm not just talking about those physicists with the ski resort that houses that silly machine they claim can find "god particles" but all its done so far is create a black hole with a powerful gravitational field that somehow only pulls money towards it. They know what they're doing and its probably best just to ignore it. I'm talking about the scientists and engineers promising things like space colonies and immortality via the wonders of cybernetics. You don't have to be a PhD in anything to know two things;
1. Humans are never going to live on Mars
2. Human wills never be able to download their conciseness into cyborg bodies allowing the to live in perpetuity
These are both great ideas for science fiction movies but in reality they are simply scams. I'll explain how it works
First an absurdly rich person(s) has an existential crisis. They realize despite their vast wealth they will one day have to die like the rest of us and that upsets them as well it should. When you have hundreds of millions or billions of dollars life is quite enjoyable and it seems unfair the party should ever have to stop. These uber rich folk meet prominent scientists at dinner parties and other social functions because chances are they went to the same elite schools, schools like Princeton, Harvard, etc schools that all have what in common? They're famous for teaching people how to lie to obtain vast sums of money. These scientists make vague promises about helping these titans of finance and industry live forever they just need some start up money. Something to the tune of say 350 million to start. The rich person says "Hey I know of a pension fund that has about that much in it! I think I'll rob it blind!" They give it to the scientists in the form of grants who then use it on blow and hookers and laugh the whole time at the ridiculous notion of people living in space or becoming immortal cyborgs.

Goin Dutch

http://www.rt.com/news/214283-dutchman-makes-proposal-crane/

I can't be the only one just a little annoyed that this asshole somehow has the money for a stunt like this. Although that must have figured into the woman accepting this proposal. I imagine the though process was; "Well he's a fuckin tool but he does have the cash to rent a crane and a plane all in one day." I'm always quite suspicious when people feel they have to make a wedding proposal/announcement as grand a spectacle as possible. It seems to suggest some insecurity and doubt. After all isn't asking someone to marry you via the scoreboard of a stadium on a nationally televised game sort of a way to back someone into a corner? People who feel the need to pull shit like this are what keeps the divorce lawyers in business. I wonder how any engagements have been launched purely for the benefit of social media accounts. Getting engaged for the sake of having a cute story is childish, immature, and in just profoundly annoying....I'm not too fond of the Dutch either. 

Ghost Busters 3 Exclusive News!!!

Hollywood has again been the victim of another cyberattack. It is unclear whether the enemy is foreign or domestic. The culprits have leaked production and story info on the much-anticipated Ghost Busters 3! 
The movie begins in a courtroom. At least two of the Ghost Busters are suing the manufacturer of the proton packs after they've developed a rare kind of cancer linked to the exposure of the packs radioactive materials. 

Its Complimentary

It's time we reigned in the rather liberal use of the word "complimentary" by restaurants and clubs promoting package deals. I passed by a place today that had a sign out advertising their new years eve party. For 75 dollars you get an open bar, appetizers, they'll include you in a champagne toast at midnight, and at the end of it you get a "complimentary" bag of party favors. So apparently the 75 dollars covers all except this bag of unspecified goodies this is just something extra they give you because, hey they are just nice people. So at what point when paying for something do things stop being inclusive and start being free extras or complimentary? Apparently whenever you want. You see this term being thrown around all the time. Dinner is $100 but the drinks; those are "complimentary" as in free so apparently the $100 didn't cover it. For $10, you can get a hamburger bun and a complimentary meat pattie. I'm sure one day you'll be informed the drink you just bought comes with a complimentary glass at no extra charge, how wonderful! So in the spirit of this I'm going to throw my own new years eve bash. For 35 dollars you can share a bottle of Gordons vodka with me, you get a slice of frozen pizza, and if I'm still awake at midnight you can participate in a toast with me and a bottle of Corbell. If you're thinking how can this get any better? Well, at midnight I promise we can make out, and I'll sloppily and aggressively grope you and I'll do it for free!

Thanks For Nothing

I wish service people in stores where I didn't buy anything wouldn't say "thank you" as I'm walking out the door empty-handed. I'm visiting Cincinnati, and I was in a part of town, the equivalent of which would probably be Lincoln Park. I went into a store where they were selling a bunch of Buddhist themed merchandise. For some reason, yuppies and housewives got really into Buddhism back in the 90s (not enough to actually practice it), and it just sort of stuck. I think it had something to do with that Brad Pitt movie. Anyway I went in looked around and left and as I'm leaving the lady says "thank you!" Thank you for what? I didn't buy anything I just took up space for a brief moment, possibly farted, then left. The only thing I could conclude is she was being sarcastic and as a non-paying customer I don't appreciate that kind of service.

Inteligent Lyfe

I like going to the gym it really puts things into perspective. People surrounded by TVs, listening to the top 40, and constantly taking pictures of themselves. If I were to ever meet aliens I would just take them there.

Climates they are a-changin

Obama pledged 3 billion dollars to something called the "international climate fund."  Apparently the idea is to try paying the climate to keep conditions favorable so as to not cause famine, massive dislocations, and civil unrest. This large sum seems to suggest they have at least some idea of how grave the consequences might be. Its quite a bit more than the bribes any one of the heads of state involved in the establishment of this fund were given to allow companies to destabilize the climate in the first place. They will be sorely disappointed when they find out the natural world can't be bribed, and reality won't bend to the will of money.
If this "international fund" is enough to make you think the industrialized nations of the world have decided to make working together to contain this imminent disaster a top priority you would probably do well to take into account Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel has been on a recent speaking tour. He's letting us know we've been very neglectful of our nuclear weapons and its high time we started giving the doomsday arsenal some much-needed upgrades. By his estimates ten billion out to do it.
I'm not sure that this is the right bunch for the job.

You Have A History of That

Web browser histories will be the issue that torpedoes many political campaigns in the coming years. Not only that but tweets, Instagrams, and Facebook posts will all come under the microscope during the campaigns of future politicians.

Got to admit its getting better...Its getting better all the time

http://www.businessinsider.com/the-world-is-becoming-a-better-place-2014-10

A lot of people have been posting this on various social media outlets. I have to ask; would you take an article seriously that uses the word "haters" in its title while making the rather broad claim "the world is becoming a better place"? If that doesn't just make your bullshit detector start beeping then you might be what is commonly referred to as, "part of the problem". But hey, if that's the case then by all means take solace in this. You can also feel good knowing there is a place called heaven. It's made of clouds and all the good people go there when they die.

Left of the Right

While the hip liberal left is going to class and getting John Lennon quotes tattooed on their bodies the fringe right is in the woods and the desert practicing combat maneuvers. While democratic student groups are in coffee shops discussing their thesis's the militant right is preparing their youth for battle. The educated left in this country love to parrot Margaret Mead, "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world; indeed its the only thing that ever has." Ironically they are describing their ideological adversaries on the far right. The educated left has very little desire to change anything. After all their leftist ideals are born out of privilege just as their counterparts are born from suffering and deprivation. When politics in this country degenerates into a kind of gangland street warfare as it has in so many other collapsing societies the far right toughened by their years of living on the fringe will crush the left where it really counts, the battlefield of the streets.

The Anal League

http://rt.com/usa/201979-harvard-anal-sex-week/

Apparently Harvard University is going to offer its students a course in anal sex. Are the call girls complaining, or are the many starry eyed women who enter this country's universities every year only to be raped by so-called educated people making too much noise? One can only speculate, but all of that aside I say its high time Harvard taught its illustrious student body the right way to go in the back door. I imagine it will be part of the business curriculum. Harvard business alumni have been fucking the rest of us in the ass for going on nearly two centuries now.

Torta Recall

I ate a torta for breakfast then saw a conveniently placed article in my timeline titled "Health Mistakes People Make before Noon" . If there were Mexican Jews would their rabbi read from the Holy Torta?

They're All Gonna Laugh At You!

I liked the remake of "Carrie" Not only was it true to the source material, with updated effects that weren't nauseatingly over the top, but there was one pervasive theme throughout the film. A theme that I feel makes it very important; young hip white people with good intentions tend to make things worse when they try to help.
When Sue's boyfriend shows up at Carries house to try and convince her to attend prom with him, he is entirely convinced he is doing the young socially awkward girl a favor. He has no idea that if her mother sees her talking to him she will be in danger of getting beaten and locked in a closet. Again the young man has good intentions but he has no idea what the real issue is. He simply sees a maladjusted introvert when in reality she has been traumatized by years with an abusive mother. Then at the climax of the film when the young telekinetic girl finally snaps and goes on a rampage she does not spare the gym teacher that attempted to rescue her from her abusive peers. In fact, she seems to have a particular anger towards her, why? Could it be because again while she may of had good intentions at the end of the day all she really did was patronize the poor girl and never really took the time to discover what was wrong?
At the end of the day had no one done her any favors she would have still been alive. There is a lesson for hip young white people. Whether it be the lie of green energy. With its companies and technology that ravages that landscape, kills wildlife and has no future, their attempt to smooth over race relations be electing a smiling war criminal, the way they throw money at a social cause usually at the expense of the people they profess to wanting to help (see the pro-feminist tshirts made by female slaves) or their ravenous cry for military intervention when their favorite "liberal media outlet" plays up some convenient atrocity story (remember the Nigerian girls?) At the end of the day these people are ignorant of the problems and even more oblivious as to what the solutions of those problems might be. When they halfheartedly attempt to solve these problems they only make them worse. Isn't the blood soaked Carrie just the perfect analogy for what happens when white liberal America tries to help?

We'll Fix it!

People donate money because obviously there is not enough time for everyone to work on correcting every social problem and injustice. That's reasonable enough; however there has been quite a number of people who have come along to exploit this.
These people don't like to work, but they do like having fancy offices and job titles so they form non-profits. These people have come a long to cash in on everything from cancer to school yard bullying, education, and even human rights (whatever they consider those to be). Well, the newest bunch of charlatans have decided that they are going to use the money of donors to put an end to cat calling.
I'm sure by now most of you have seen the video of a young woman walking around New York, who endures verbal harassment from a number of men on the street.
Is this a problem? Of course, no one likes to think about this happening to their wives, daughters, or mothers. Is it something an organization can use money to put an end to? No, of course not that is a ridiculous notion. It is the equivalent of saying you are going to end gun violence or bullying it is simply not feasible, and there is no plan you can make to work towards those ends.

How The Watering Hole Can Save America's Cities

Many of America's cities having been ravaged by several decades of Neo-Liberal economic policies are looking for avenues towards economic revitalization ie; ways to stimulate commerce in a way that will attract businesses thereby creating jobs and a strong tax base.
So far ideas have ranged from coordinating community events with the business community as well as offering various incentives such as tax credits and grants to new businesses. Since younger people with disposable income tend to be the market demographic these places want to capture the businesses favored tend to be things like salons, cafes, high-end liquor stores that kind of thing. So the consultants at least have some grasp of what needs to be done, but they're doing it in such a way that leaves too much to chance.
 I say instead of going by the model "if you build it they will come" they should be just bringing them there and waiting for it to build up around them. I call this plan Lincolnparkinization. It's very obvious what the secret to Lincoln Park's success is; they happen to have a lot of attractive young people around filling the bars, cafes, and what not. So it's clear what's at play here.
Young people like to have sex so they will go where other young people they can have sex with are. I call it the watering hole effect. It works like this;  you take a struggling city, let's just say Cleveland. You give a few dozen attractive singles rent-free apartments and stipends to go spend at local bars and restaurants. They will attract more young people who will spend their money at the bars and restaurants in an effort to try and meet and have sex with them.

They're All Out to Get You! Just Stay Calm and Be Yourself

You are an extremely talent very special individual! The only things holding you back in life are your friends, family, and people who you are friends with on social media but who don't actually like you. These people are secretly working to sabotage everything you do! Once you find the strength to be yourself and go it alone you will get everything your heart desires! 
This is the world according to Instagram as I understand it and since it is  social media outlet shaped by the people who use it, it would seem this is the world according to tens of millions of people in this country. Is anyone really surprised? 
What kind of sick delusional narcissists think think this way? Instagram users that's who

Breaking Bad ending with the Pete and Pete Theme Song!

Jimmy Eat Hitler

Not that there's anything wrong with that

Apparently it is national coming out day. Basically, a popular attempt to lift the stigma on homosexuality and offer those who have been afraid to tell others the truth about themselves a little bit of a morale boost. In a liberal bastion like Chicago, especially on the North Side I'm sure a lot of us can take for granted what a life changing event coming out can be. For some, it can mean being ostracized by friends and family. For others, it can even mean violence. Violence that ironically enough is often perpetrated by those too afraid to confront these same feelings within themselves and become enraged by the very suggestion there maybe a homosexual impulse anywhere in their brain.
So it is often the case those who are the most fervently and vocally anti-gay are those who just need to come out themselves. In the spirit of this I thought it might be interesting to look at two traditionally anti-gay groups that have displayed their own manifestations of suppressed homosexual urges, the Nazis and the U.S. military. Now the Nazis made it clear to everyone they were all man by imprisoning and murdering homosexuals, and the U.S. military does it by forcing homosexuals in their ranks to stay in the closet. A bit more subtle but still fundamentally anti-homosexual.
Despite all of this both parties in question have had moments that made us think "is there something you want to tell us?" The Nazis obsession with fashion and firm young males got everyone wondering whether or not they may have been a bit light in the jackboots.
Then there was the infamous propaganda piece "Triumph of the Will" which featured armies of lean, blond, shirtless young men living and working together in very close brotherhood mostly free of women.
The U.S. military showed us their own gay side decades later when the Pentagon decided to fund "Top Gun" which featured much of the same, but instead of doing public works projects they played beach volleyball. The Nazis and the U.S. military have done what all too many confused and angry closet homosexuals have done, go on long killing sprees. (think John Wayne Gacy for an example of this on the more individual level) So in the spirit of coming out day I would like to extend to the nazis...well not the nazis they're all dead at this point, but the military the opportunity the opportunity to unfurl the rainbow flag.

Funding public schools the private way

A huge problem with public education is it is often simply underfunded. Many who claim this is not the case will probably say "but the U.S. spends more on education as a portion of GDP than any other country in the world!" To which I would suggest simply replying with, "and your point?" You can bet the person who just thought they made an argument probably won't have any idea what is considered "educational spending" by government accounting standards.
More importantly they probably don't know what "portion of GDP means as a result of having come up through America's educational system.  Where is the proof that this amount measured in proportion to GDP is somehow an adequate amount?  This is all pointless though, because the results are in, and it is clear. However, much money has been put into education... well there needs to be a lot more!
Just how much is needed? No one as of yet has created a model proportioning stupidity with the GDP, so no one really has any idea, but you better believe it's a lot!
THe problem is most states and the federal government has been battling a recession for almost the better part of  a decade and are now standing with nearly depleted treasuries holding just enough for their expense accounts.
But relax, no one need fear for their comped steak dinners or their child's futures. Believe I have found a long term solution to this revenue problem that should make everyone happy.
The idea is simple; parents of students can pay for grades. This is the model used by the ivy league schools. It is called grade inflation. The school wants to appear to have only the best and brightest and the people pay 50k a year in tuition want to have a brand name degree so that just ended up working itself out.
 If we instituted this scheme in our public schools, we could come up with a pricing structure for a desired GPAs that still undercuts the private schools.
 It would sort of be an unofficial tax on the families of the more wealthy students. With any luck, this will provide some much-needed relief to schools across the country. Now some people may criticize this plan by saying this gives kids who come from money an unfair advantage, but isn't that the case anyway?

Were You Aware?

Instead of trying to raise awareness around some social issue or disease try and get everyone to notice something in this world that's behind handled correctly. Challenge yourself and others to find something where you can honestly say well everything looks good here. People are handling this the way they should be. I bet you can't.
The reason why is simple enough, because everything sucks, everything has been turned to shit. The way we treat the poor sucks, the way we treat the disabled sucks, the way we raise money to give to lazy assholes claiming their finding cures for diseases sucks, the way men treat women sucks, the way women treat men sucks, the way we treat animals sucks, the way commerce and politics is handled sucks, our culture sucks, our tv shows suck, our schools suck. That should be the next big awareness campaign everything sucks.

Nail Polish

The nail polish that tests for date rape drugs is a pretty good idea, however I would be a bit insulted if I was talking to a girl at bar or party and she was constantly dipping her nail in drink. I wonder what protocol will be when it comes to using this polish. Ladies will you subtlety dip a nail in or will you say "excuse me one second....Ok you were saying?

Don't You Think You're Being A Little Hard On The Boy?

Did you know that in the NFL if you're found to "have engaged in sexual assault" you will now be suspended for 6 games! This is apparently a toughened up policy in response to an incident where a player was filmed beating his fiance UNCONSCIOUSNESS. So to summarize if you're in the NFL and you beat and rape someone you stay home for 6 weeks. Well I guess this is the sort of policy a lot of these guys are used to from their time in the universities.

But She's A Girl!

Let me preface this by saying I know almost nothing about basketball, and I don't follow sports. Now that I've shown you my credentials I want to say that when I found out about the hiring Becky Harmon as an assistant coach for an NBA team I was fascinated. Not because I see this whole thing as a sort of catalyst that will push us towards a new equality between the sexes, but because its such a genius and cynical business strategy.
 I have no reason to doubt this woman's skills or abilities, but I'm willing to bet those aren't the only reasons she got the job. I'm suggesting there were ulterior motives. Just think of the money that will be made when a movie is made about her overcoming adversity and ultimately winning the teams respect. One way or another whoever produces this feel good picture from the not too distant future will have to pay the Spurs or the NBA an ass load of money. Who knows maybe the NBA will produce it themselves.

Human Kinections

I always knew "The Poltergeist" was going to be the most influential piece of cinema in history. Almost prophetic really. Remember the part where the ghostly hand reaches out and grabs the little girl with the Hulk Hogan hair? Well I'll be damned if that wasn't the inspiration for this technological break through. Around 6 months ago a team from MIT demonstrated a new technology that allows someone using an Xbox Kinect to physically interact with people anyone anywhere in the world by literally reaching across cyberspace and through their tv screen. That is something that can actually happen! As the technology is developed and product methods refined it will become available to the consumer. Usually different income markets receive these sort of things in descending order. Anyway what this effectively does is give people a way to give hand jobs over the internet. This very much complicate the lives of webcam models all over the world who may now have to get at least somewhat physical with their clientele or risk loosing their business. This technology will spark a debate about the definition of prostitution as millions of people who find this new more sanitary way of performing sexual favors a bit more palpable.

Cancer Tuesday

I was at the bank today and they asked if I would like to donate to cancer research. When that's said to me all I hear is, "would you like to help maintain the very large salary of a foundation president?" In all honesty I'm not particularly interested in doing that, and as far as cancer research goes I can't even afford current cancer treatments so its of little consequence to me if they come up with any kind of new cutting edge treatment. So as far as donating goes, no thank you. I think I will take the dollar and buy a taco instead. Happy taco Tuesday everyone!!!

Nice to meet you too

I live next to a cute girl who appears to be about my age, or at least an age I could pass for. I thought about trying to talk to her, but then I reasoned when she's on her deck she can see me in my living so I could only assume she doesn't want to talk to me. Should I be concerned that apparently I'm really ashamed about some of the things I do in my free time?

Rebooting A Dead Brand

Hey, want a good way to start selling some of those tracks from artists whose fan base is starting to well..die off? Well, here's an idea make a biopic about them! A number of studios have announced their intent to release a number of biopics the vast majority of which are about famous dead musicians. Most notably James Brown and Jimmy Hendrix. Alright fair enough two phenomenal performers who had an undeniable impact on music, but how much do you want to bet that both stories include a poor kid with big dreams, a meteoric rise to fame, substance abuse problems, and relationship difficulties? You can be sure of this, because this is how EVERY BIOPOIC ABOUT MUSICIAN GOES! They both clearly had interesting lives, but how many times does this story need to be told? How badly strapped for ideas, or just how lazy are these studio execs and writers that they think it's ok to keep making these movies? Well, here's a hint every year a new movie about a friends with benefits arrangement that gets complicated by romantic feelings is made every year. All they do is change out the sexy flavor of the month celebrities. Ok, instead of Natalie Portman we'll put in Mila Kunis this time "she's so hot right now! She's this year's Natalie!" And that ideas taken from an episode of Seinfeld. That's just an example.
 I haven't researched this claim, but its probably safe to say the studios that are producing these films have a financial interest in whatever record company that owns the rights to the works of Hendrix and Brown.
 Two names that when combined sound like the name of a south side law firm now that I think about it. This is just another way of "rebooting". They're rebooting the brands of Jimmy Hendrix and James Brown. As soon as these movies hit theaters you will see the sales of Brown and Hendrix tracks surge. Also,I'm sure the actors will make great fodder for the annual commercial dressed up to look like an awards ceremony.
This is a glorified commercial thought up by some of the most cynical minds in advertising. Oh, We can also look forward to some article of clothing worn in the movie being obnoxiously integrated into peoples day to day attire. Every yuppie asshole is going to look fuckin rad with a tie-dyed scarf around the neck!

On a scale from 1 to 10

We went to the moon, but we'll never get rid of mosquitoes. How does this feat and this failure average into our rating as a species? Pretty much any form of matter can replicated out of the same material via 3d printing, yet we'll never see the end of millions flu deaths world wide each year. Honestly I don't know weather to be impressed or not. No matter how far man may try and stretch the boundaries of its dominion it will never conquer those smallest elements, those other organisms that always have the upper hand on us. No matter how many cans of consumer grade cans of pesticide we sell to people so that they can spray it into the stagnant air of their homes the roach population will always be on the rise, no matter how many traps we set there will always be rats openly defying our wishes for them to stay far away from or homes. Not a damn thing we can do about any of it.

No means no!

There has been much debate recently about sexual violence and exploitation and how we define it as a society. For some it is black and white, but for many there seems to be some gray area. Well here is the story of my experience with sexual coercion. Me and my girlfriend (there is a lot of debate on how to define this term as well) were watching the Animatrix on tv. If you're not familiar look it up. It is unquestionably better and more original than the live action films its based on. Anyway we were at a really cool part that involved a mechanical horseman of the apocalypse, and this is when my girlfriend decided to try and initiate sex. I tried to signal through body language I wasn't in the mood, but she just kept pushing and pushing. Eventually she vocalized her frustration making me feel like I had just done something wrong so at that point I gave in and I missed my favorite part of the movie. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with what happened last Wednesday, but I can't deny it any longer I am a victim of sexual violence.

The Digital Immortals

Social media has brought about an age where everyone now has a monument to themselves, a digital monument, but a monument none the less. Everyone comments on world events as if they were a spokesperson, everyone wants to showcase themselves, they want us all to see how interesting they are and what fantastic lives they have. This approach to live has really instilled in people a cinematic frame of mind. They seem themselves as moving through a movie. In fact Facebook now has an option to make a movie out of your posted content. There is literally no event no matter how mundane that is not documented. The best part is instead of having the intended of effect of making everyone's life seem awesome the complete opposite has happened and now no one is impressed by anything because we can all see its fa facade mostly because its one we all put on ourselves. Just think about your grandparents. Remember how interesting it was to see photographs from when they were young? There weren't many of them and it was a glimpse into a long gone age, but now people take several photos a day. Our grand kids aren't going to give a shit and I don't blame, but of course by that time I'm sure everyone will have their own 24 hour channel. We will leave very detailed records of our lives that will exist long after we're gone, well at least as long as the digital information network holds up. Our facebook pages will out live us and if you gave someone the password you could probably keep up the facade of being alive for a quite a long while. Eventually facebook will add death as an event on your timeline. Most of the younger people will probably attend your funeral via skype. The sounds of the various other things they're doing on their computers will drown out the eulogy, but no one will notice because they'll all be creating posts about how much they miss you.

No More Heroes Anymore

People love a hero, or at least anyone they feel like they can call a hero. They love throwing this word around so much in fact that the criteria for its use has been become so minimal and unimpressive to the point where all you have to do to be given the title is develop some sort of chronic illness. Of course we still have your more traditional heroes. You know people who risk life and limb to save others, or in some cases to kill others. Its an odd distinction a fire fighter carries a baby out of a burning building we celebrate this, because he saved a life. When a soldier manages to shoot 10 or 20 people we're equally enthusiastic. Seems like an odd double standard. The prize for these sorts of heroism is usually a medal and maybe a spot in a parade. Now I never found the prospect of heroism particularly attractive. Heroes often die young and I'm not too into that. My goal in life is too live as long as possible even if it comes at the expense of others. If I had the option to live off the blood of children I would, so long as I could live indefinitely. I don't really see the benefit in sacrificing myself for others. There's really only one of me. I can't be replaced. Whereas most other people all seem more or less the same to me and there really seems to be plenty of them so if you lose a few whats the big deal?

I Watched Everyone Loves Raymond, Now I'm Gay!!!

There is a growing belief that the mainstream media is involved in a conspiracy to turn America's youth into homosexuals. This subversive plot initially subscribed to mainly by members of christian fundamentalist fringe is starting to gain some traction in the winder culture, particularly in some black communities. Is the mass media being employed as a psychological weapon to convert the population to homosexuality? Well this may seem like lunacy, but when closely examined there is a strong basis to support the idea. First off consider America's economic problems. One of causes of this prolonged economic stagnation is dwindling consumer spending. Well homosexual males more often have higher than average incomes and much more disposable income as well, and if we're going to talk about problems of such a macro nature let us not forget over population. Homosexuals usually don't have children, and if they do they're often adopted. So you see it is simply sound economic policy to turn everyone gay. It would lead to economic growth and a steady, but much needed population decline.

Are You a Tomato or a Weed?

"Weeds grow very very quickly and dozens of them seem to show up all at the same time. If you're a weed you're never alone. In fact if you're a weed there are so many of you that you end up crowding out the other plants. A tomato plant leads a far more difficult and lonely existence. A lot of work has to be put in if tomato plants are to thrive and even when they're doing really well there are never as many tomatoes as weeds, but when its time to harvest the tomatoes its easy to see why it was all worth it. Tomatoes are a plant that repay your efforts with sustenance. Weeds don't need you and don't do anything for you or anybody else for that matter. Now are you a tomato or a weed?" See how easy it is to come up with stupid inspirational bullshit? All I have to do is paste this over a picture of a tomato and there ya have it, an inspirational meme. People love bullshit like this because they feel like it was intended for them. By now you might have noticed how a lot of these memes are meant to be inspiring while at the same time being a sort of backhanded insult to people at large. Like the message up above implies most people are about as useful as weeds, a plant you rip out of the ground and throw away, while a very few are actually worth something. Everyone wants to believe they're the hardworking exceptional person and its everyone around them that happens to be lazy, mediocre, or simply just stupid. So the end result here is a world where somehow everyone is special and at the same time no one is because that other special person believes you're just a dip shit and they themselves are the exceptional one, but if everyone is so damn smart whose writing all these retarded memes?

Oral Fixation

I recently decided to get off drugs and it was the easiest decision I ever made largely because it was court ordered. I got ordered into an Narcotic Anonymous program, which is basically sitting around swapping stories about being junkies. Its actually kind of entertaining. Anyway I found out people actually do give head for dope. That's not just a thing in the movies, and what bums me out most is I'm not sure I'd be pretty enough to do that. It would be a really big blow to my self-esteem if I offered a drug dealer head in exchange for drugs and he turned me down. Have you ever seen "The Basketball Diaries"? Well If you haven't its a movie starring Leonardo DiCaprio. Its your typical story of a promising youth falling into the horrible life of drug attention, but manages to kick and discovers his purpose in life in the meantime. Well anyway at one point DiCaprio's character starts exchanging oral for drugs, but there's a twist! The john in this situation actually pays Leo so that he can...SUCK OFF LEO! Wow! Now how many people can say "Yeah someone just gave me all this cash to suck my dick today"? Apparently just one.. Leonardo fuckin DiCaprio!!!

Childhood Delusions

I'm a teacher at an elementary school and for whatever reason we still find it necessary to ask children what they want to be when they grow up. My guess is we do this as an exercise in dissapointment. Sometime down the road they'll look back and think "wow that dream sure crashed and burned." Its a very long term lesson, but a very crucial one. Anyone one of my students said that they want to be the President of the United States of America. I referred them to the school counselor right away. I have to be concerned about the mental health of any child who wants a career that entails lying, theft, and mass murder. Just the fact this kid is only 7 and already thinks he should have control over a doomsday arsenal of nuclear weapons is a little troubling to me, however the school counselor informed me this was not a good reason to send someone to her office and that it was "normal for children to want to be president." So as it turns out most children are suffering from the same personality disorders and delusions of grandeur that make violent narcissists seek out positions of authority, but I just knew I had to do something to make sure this kid got the help he needed, or at least be removed from society so I said he tried to stab me with his scissors. I feel I did a great service today.

Ninja Monkeys

"The Monkey's Paw" is an antique tale of terror that teaches us that sometimes what we don't see is what we really should be afraid of, because what we didn't see what we never got closure on is what haunts are imaginations and stays with us throughout our lives. This simple lesson in story telling provides invaluable advice for writers, playwrights, and filmmakers. Clearly this is a teaching the team behind the original "Planet of the Apes" had in mind when they gave us the iconic tale of an astronaut who finds himself in a world where savage humans are enslaved by superior apes. As the film progresses we find out that what we once though was an alien world or a parallel universe is actually just Earth in the future. This comes to light in the scene where we find the ruins of New York and we hear the iconic line "You maniacs! You blew it up!" This suggest to us that a planet ruled by hyper evolved apes came about because man ultimately destroyed itself. How exactly this happened we can only infer but the evidence seems to suggest war. So we didn't see how this horrifying world came to be but we were left to imagine the horrific events that lead to it's inception. Now the problem is the new movie "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" tries to recreate for us the events that resulted in the ape ruled world we saw in the original film. We are to learn that man created these hyper-evolved apes and ultimately doomed itself. While this adheres to the original themes of self-destruction it does so by replacing the far more intelligent method of telling the story by letting our imaginations fill in the banks creating a more mysterious mythology and compelling story with a lame brained half assed action movie about people fighting super intelligent apes. From now on when people watch "The Planet of the Apes" they won't be left speculating just how the hapless homosapiens seceded their domination of the planet to their secondaries in evolution. They will have that story neatly packaged for them by a Hollywood summer block buster. This movie is a big middle finger to everything the first movie tried to do. don't see it. All it is is a lame attempt to cash in on a classic title as well as the the macabre fascination our dying society has with the bethusian. There's nothing worse when Hollywood tries to cash in on the power of a cultural icon in such a crass a cynical manner. By doing so they not only make a piece of commercial garbage they cheapen the already well done piece of art. Like Terminator 3 and how it completely negated the principle theme of Terminator 2 "no fate but what we make" by saying judgement day was "inevitable" Ok so then that means everything that happened in T2 was pointless...thanks!

Mass Murderers On Your Friends List??!!

As mass murder becomes an increasingly popular past time in the United States there are a lot of questions we are going to have to as ourselves as a culture, especially when the mass murderers are people we know. Thanks to facebook and other social media outlets we all now "know" far more people than was ever considered possible by previous generations. The criteria for claiming to "know" a person is quite a bit less stringent than it was just over a couple decades ago. Well now people are finding they "know" plenty of unsavory characters. In a country full of mass murderers and empty digital interpersonal connections its time we lay down the ground rules for what to do when someone on your buddy list shoots up a school, blows up a bus, opens fire on a shopping mall etc etc. Say you hop onto facebook one day and you find out friend #216 has just gone on a shooting rampage through city hall kill 4 and injuring 9. What do you do next? Do you de-friend this person right away? Well you could, but then others might accuse you of being dramatic plus you might miss what people post on their page. Should you post on their page as well? Is it your duty as their friend that you are concerned about some of the decisions they've been making? "Hey bro saw what you did with those pipe bombs today....not so cool man". That might be one way to go. What if this person is more than just a digital acquaintance? What if you have pictures with this person, pictures you're tagged in?! Should you untag yourself right and try and suppress that history, or should you hop on your page and use those past documented encounters to claim to have some unique insight into all of this thus finding yourself lavished with attention? Well considering the culture I'm sure many will chose the latter. Remember there is no such thing as bad press! What if you're official in a relationship with this person? Do you break that off? Would that show up as a life event on your timeline? Would it say "Brandy and Jeff are no longer in a relationship due to his recent shooting spree"? I suppose all of these questions will answer themselves just a little bit more with each new mass killing. Maybe in the future we can go back and reference this. I'm sure we won't have to wait long.

Who Won the War?

I've spent a large part of my life reading about the second world war. Like many boys I was enamored with accounts of the dog fights over London, the Blizkrieg into the Soviet Union, the super nifty black uniforms donned by a genocidal Hun army. The largest conflict in human history and the birth of the atomic age whats not to love? However I think there is a very big and somewhat obvious lie about this war, and that's the lie that America won it. When you look at pictures of postwar Germany and Japan its easy to see why someone might think this, but I'm looking around now and I'm wondering where's America's universal health care system? Where is America's living wage laws? "Where is America's high speed rail systems? Japan and Germany have all of these things and they supposedly lost the war. Well if they lost the war how did they end up with all the good stuff and America ended up with the crumbling infrastructure, broken health care system, 50 million people in poverty, and the seemingly daily episodes of mass violence? Those don't really sound like really worth while spoils to me.

Vote and Die!

I'm not really a fan of eugenics. Something about a pseudo-science that gives inbred oligarchs a license to commit mass murder in the name of building a better a future through a process of genetic distillation just doesn't sit well with me, however I must admit I am starting to come around. There are certainly people out there who not only shouldn't be trusted to breed and raise children they should probably just be excised from society as expediently as possible and I have found a full proof way to identify who these undesirable gene pool polluters are. America loves theatrics so they've decided to keep up the illusion of presidential elections. The country will be holding yet another one of these tiresome and tedious events in 2016. As of now its looking like we will have the freedom to chose either Hillary Clinton or Jeb Bush. Jeb Bush comes from a very prominent family of mass murders and war criminals. His father is George Sr put on a show for the country using his camera guided bombs in Iraq back in the 90s and his invalid son went back a little over a decade later to execute a failed and bloody occupation of the country that left it in a state of civil war. Hillary of course is the wife of another famous criminal whose resume includes such accomplishments as Somolia, Kosovo, and NAFTA. Yes at this point the oligarchs must just be laughing at us. So I propose when 2016 rolls around and people are told by their various reality tv idols its their patriotic duty to select which corporate puppet they want to to lord over them we wait for the bumbling heard to show up at the polls and when they go into the booth to select either Clinton 2 or Bush 3 an automated cattle prod emerge from the floor and deliver a lethal shock to their junk. When its all over we will be rid of millions of empty headed people who were really just taking up space. As a bonus many of them will probably be obese and we can send their meat to some African country in the grips of a famine. It will be the the country's greatest humanitarian project yet.

Liking Our Way Towards A Better Tommorrow

Someone needs to conduct a study that will quantify approximately how many likes and shares it takes to fix a societal problem or social ill. If we committed a sufficient amount of resources to solving this problem than we can have this word running in tip top shape by the end of the year. Its only been within the last decade that people discovered liking something on social media is the first step towards fixing it. If that isn't the case than how come we feel fulfilled after we've clicked the like button? Clearly that is a sign we have taken a solid stance on the issue and have done all we could to try and fix it. The rest well that is up to god, history, the market, Jay Z or whatever vague omnipotent forces you feel shape events in this world. I for one believe the world's best hope lies in some undiscovered meme that is so overwhelmingly positive that once it enters the global data stream the world will have no choice but to better itself, and with all the work being in this field we can't be too far away! Just wait world the people on the internet are going to save you!

Adopt and Accessorize

There is a hot new accessory that the elite of chic just can't get enough of. Its the hottest new trend to hit A-list celebrity circles since pretending to be Buddhist. I am of course talking about children adopting orphans from the troubled nations talked about on the largest news networks. For a while Chinese girls were all the rage when it came to accessorizing with your casual wear, and nothing compliments your most glamorous evening dresses like a war orphan from the Sudan. Where will the next must have babies come from? Well rumor has it Nigerians will be the look this summer! According to fashion moguls adolescent Nigerien girls go great with fedoras and self-righteous indignation.

Bombing at the Ivy League

We should close Harvard, Yale, and Stanford. There is something deeply troubling about these places as they all seem to have produced a staggering number of mass murders. Yale brought us G.W. Bush. Between Iraq and Afghanistan his body count stands at somewhere around 1 million. Harvard gave us Obama. His hobby seems to be playing with remote control robots that lob missiles at children. Then there's Stanford. Wilson was the president of Stanford before he became president of the United States and his lasting legacy is racing into the first world war after spending his whole campaign promising to do exactly the opposite. What is it about these institutions that inspire these sorts of killers that operate on such a massive scale? If you have a kid who is seriously considering attending one of these schools you should have them psychologically evaluated. Maybe you've never really given any thought as to why their hobbies always seemed to be shop lifting, arson, and torturing animals, but hopefully wanting to get into Yale fraternity will set off some alarms.

Phuck You!

Why have silent letters? Isn't the whole point of a letter to represent a sound, almost like the equivalent of a musical note? Why add letters to words that aren't supposed to be there? Also why combine two letters to make the sound one letter already makes? Like ph sounding like f. Well there was already fucking f so why do the whole ph thing? Why is it phone and not fone? How do these words get decided upon anyway? Why did phone get the whole ph thing and not fuck?

Finding Opportunity in Tragedy

Next weekend is a holiday weekend here in the states. For those of you who are unfamiliar July 4th is when we celebrate the birth of America. Now I don't particularly care about America. Nations are a primitive notion based on tribalism yada yada yada. Setting all that aside though I do enjoy having a couple days off so I can binge drink. Now here in America employers have a habit of giving their employees the holiday itself (if they give time off at all) off but not the subsequent day severely limiting what one can do with that day. So I decided to just ask for July 5th off so I can be as hung over as I want that day and not have to worry about shitty work. I asked as soon as I could as I figured lots of people would request this day. My boss informed me that he was unsure I could take that day because a number of people already had. Well that night I was on facebook and I read about a comedian from Chicago who overdosed and died in New York. I didn't think much of it as I never met the person. Now two days later my boss calls and says if I close for him while he goes to a wake I can have the 5th off. Turns out the person's wake he was going to was the same person I read about on facebook. Isn't it strange how life works? Someone dies in New York and somehow I get a day off. Just think of all the events that had to transpire in his life as well as mine to add up to that. I don't like benefiting from tragedy, but sometimes it just happens that way. That got me thinking about other people who may have benefited from tragedy. Like 9/11 the world trade center was a giant office space and you just know there was someone going into work that day that didn't finish a presentation, forgot to bring a report, or just had some unpleasant news to deliver. He or she was probably sitting on the train treading that moment when they would have to face the consequences but then they get there and the whole thing has collapse. They must have breathed a sigh of relief. I'm sure there were plenty of instances of that in Hiroshima as well. Someone was ridding into town on the train just scared out of their mind about having to confront the boss then bam flash of blinding light and hey no more work to worry about.

REBOOT V. 2.45.35.24. Beta!

If you're gonna do something do it right. Makes enough sense. If something does what its supposed to and does it satisfactorily there is generally no need to improve upon it and it can be left alone to serve its purpose until progress eventually renders it obsolete. Well apparently this way of thinking itself has become obsolete. Nothing works, nothing has been done right, and everything needs to be updated, rebooted, and remade. As it turns out everything ever made is laughably inadequate and needs to be redone. Advertisers have actually turned this into a selling point. Take Dominoes for instance their big marketing campaign has centered around on how awful their food was and now they're making good on it by revamping the recipe. Hollywood has done the same thing and has even coined a cute new marketing term for taking something they just fucked up the first time and slightly improving upon it. They call it "rebooting". As it turns out a number of movies they spent millions making and even millions more convincing us to see actually sucked ass and they have come to terms with this and decided to "reboot" these titles in the hopes that this time it can be done right! I'm sure there's no possible way 5 to 10 years from now they'll be "rebooting" the reboots that happened to suck just as bad as the originals. Where did this ploy of making things and deciding they were shitty and needed to be redone for a handsome profit come from? My guess is Microsoft which has been making dysfunctional crap for years, got it right once (XP) and decided to "upgrade" only to come out with something worse. Now everything they make requires constant updates and upgrades cause apparently it wasn't right the first time, but by god that didn't stop them from selling it and my guess is it never will. So if there's one thing we've learned over the last two decades there is far more long term reward in doing something half-assed. That way when you admit it sucks come along and fix people will somehow mistake your laziness, greed, and negligence for integrity.

Stop being intolerant you stupid red necks!

The parents of America have taken on a new crusade, they're gonna put an end to bullying in our schools! How are they going to accomplish this? Through a number of so-called zero tolerance policies that mandate punishments such as expulsion and in some cases even jail time for what was once just considered normal childhood behavior that could be dealt with by a teacher with a simple reprimand. Well as it turns out that just wasn't enough. It turns out bullies are sick people who need to be ostracized from society immediately! As it turns the only way to combat bullying, behavior characterized by violence and intimidation is through policies of violence and intimidation. This brilliant idea is yet another from apparently educated liberal types who only want to see children flourish, except of course if one the children happens to use a racial or homophobic slur than its off to the gallows! The most tragic and funny thing about people who take up these types of pointless social causes is that they are more often than not college educated white collar professionals. Presumably these so-called educated people took a few social science classes while they were attending their fancy universities. So what happened when they were taking sociology? Shouldn't they have learned there are things called "life chances" and people are often times just products of their upbringing which is heavily influenced by socioeconomic status? Shouldn't someone have told these enlightened people that often times people on the lower rungs of society often embrace things like racism and homophobia as kind of a defense mechanism? The obvious solution to these problems is an economic and social revolution that would involve a vast redistribution of wealth and the reintegration of the poor into the formal economy, but that just sounds way too hard. How is the American liberal going to find time to do this between yoga classes and cocktails? So like any concerned Americans instead of tackling the systemic cause they decided to use their money and clout to launch a campaign of violence against children, and of course the children of the poor will be the most heavily victimized by this, because as I said above it is children of the poor who are most likely to be brought up with a hateful ideology. So now when they go to school and use the word nigger or fag they will be treated like felons. They will be kicked out of school and their lives will be quickly ruined because of policies promoted by people who routinely use slurs like red neck or hick.

The Reason for the Season

Lets stop pretending like there's really still a St. Patrick's day, a Cinco De Mayo, a Halloween, or gay pride and lets just start calling all these days what they really are, "National drunk college girls in skimpy outfits day." Lets be honest in a decade or so kids won't be trick or treating. There will be too many reports about people putting semen in candy or whatever, but drunk college chicks will still be dressing up like slutty fill in the blank. Mexicans will only think about Cinco De Mayo in passing ball over college campuses and metropolitan areas half naked college girls will be chugging margaritas. Drunk college girls apparently don't get the attention they deserve so they're forced to co-opt other holidays. We need to change that and just start recognizing all the holidays they make fashionable to celebrate by making those holidays for them!

Focus Group

Since social media has turned us into focus group that works around the clock, constantly feeding data in real time about our likes, our dislikes, what we buy, and what we think to marketers and advertisers with increasingly more sophisticated ways to exploit that data. How long before music, movies, books are written by algorithms? How long before art and entertainment is nothing but the product of automated processes powered by a piece of software?

Time Flies

Isn't it strange how life starts? Chances are you don't remember the first few years of your life. Memory just sort of begins at some point and now here you are, living in this very moment, and it would be very difficult if not impossible to recall every detail in your journey to now. A lot of time has gone by before you and I were here. According to scientist over 14 billion years have passed. Didn't that seem to go by pretty quick? Felt like a flash to me. Homo sapiens evolved, settled into civilizations, and now we're here in the early years of the first ever global civilization and no one is quite sure how the fuck it all happened. There's some kind of collective amnesia. Humanity collectively is no different from any one of us individually. There are some hazy early child hood memories, years of experience we only remember in fragments, and now here we are.

Becoming A Photographer In 4 Easy Steps!

You've always sucked at academics. Can't remember dates, hate doing equations, and have no original ideas about anything that might be underpinning nature or society. That's ok though you're young, white, and your parents have money. There's no way you're not exceptional in some way! You must be creative! Yep that's it you're not mediocre you're an artist! So what's your discipline?  Can you paint? No? Can you draw? No? Well ok lets see can you carve wood or mold clay? None of that huh? Well that's ok clearly you were meant to be a photographer! Becoming a photographer is pretty easy assuming you can rock skinny jeans and follow these quick and easy steps!
1. Go to Urban Outfitters
Urban Outfitters has all the attire a photographer needs. What's the point of being all artistic and creative if people can't take one look at you and say: "Hey look at that guy/girl they look like they must be really creative!"
2. Get Tattoos
As stated above you're artistic and that obviously means dressing and looking a certain way. Its not superficial or anything that's just how art works. Get yourself tattooed right away!
3. Get A Camera
Make sure you learn how to use the black and white filter this is key. Also make sure you take pictures of things that are extremely mundane and boring, but  be sure to do it in a skewed sort of way. This will show people you have a unique perspective!
4. Attend Over Priced Art School
All ballsy rebel artists go to art school right?? This will be a great place to meet other individuals just like yourself!

See that's all it takes. Hopefully you were born into a rich family so if you fail you always have money to go to business school.

Dime Novels From Oblivion

This is a collection of anecdotes from the fringes of reality. It is a tapestry stitched together from our nightmares. What you will find here are the fears that haunt the collective imagination as well as our dreams. These stories are symptoms of the sickness known as the human condition.

http://dimenovelsfromoblivion.blogspot.com/

Everyone Dies...Good!

Everyone you've ever met, everyone you've ever talked to, everyone you've ever seen is going to be dead one day. I know people get depressed and scared when they think of friends, family, and themselves dying, but just think of all the shitty people that are going to die as well. Remember that chick who cut you in line? She's only got so much time left. Remember that annoying guy with the visor? He's a walking corpse! How about that person who shot you down for a date? Don't sweat it they're gonna get old, their looks will go, and soon enough they'll just be another stiff rotting in the ground. Yep sooner or later everyone dies and I believe its time we started seeing just how great that is. Next time someone pisses you off and you're not quite sure what to do about it just remember the motherfucker will be dead one day anyway, and who knows maybe you'll be around to get the satisfaction of reading his obituary. They say good things come to those who wait and getting to see assholes dying seems like an ample reward...of course wait around long enough its gonna happen to you as well, but we can just file that under tragedy or whatever you wanna call it.

I'll Show You!

I've noticed I have this weird habit where if really really hate something I'll run a Google search that will give me websites about how people also really hate for instance "windows 8 sucks". I don't know why but it gives me an odd sense of satisfaction hearing other people talk about how they hate the same thing I do. It accomplishes absolutely nothing. Of course there are gonna people who think Windows 8 "sucks" what did I prove to myself?

See The Little Red Button?

As most people already know voter turn out in American elections is at an all time low. Mostly because people have woken up to the reality of politics being a screw job, but putting all that aside the reason I've never voted for a president isn't because of party politics or whatever its because I'm not comfortable with the idea of giving a guy I never met control over the world's largest nuclear arsenal. The fact America has the largest nuclear arsenal is sort of a glaring hole in that old tired narrative about the U.S. being a nation concerned about peace, justice, and human rights. I can only think of one other empire that striven to have the power to destroy planets and that's the galactic empire. Anyway I've never met Obama, I've never met, Bush Jr or Sr, and I've never met Clinton. So why the hell would I trust them with that kind of destructive power? What exactly are their credentials? How mentally sound are they really? Would you give a random guy an M16 and tell him to keep watch on the streets? No, that would be ridiculous so why would you opt to give one guy, ONE FUCKING GUY control over those kind of weapons? Also why do people volunteer to work on political campaigns? Do these people really want to spend their time going door to door begging people to give someone they never met a really well paying cushy job with obscene benefits when they can't find one themselves, and do it on a volunteer basis n less?? Get fuckin real.

Youth Is Largely Wasted Time

Getting old sucks for very obvious reasons. No one wants to see their body go into decline, no one wants to think about the fact what they're eating might be slowly clogging the blood vessels in their brain, and no one wants to die least of all, however as I have begun the aging process I have noticed some pretty awesome benefits almost right away to. So for those of you in your late teens and early 20s this is something you have to look forward to in just a few years, and you may not appreciate it now, but believe me you will. If don't you're probably an idiot.
1. I have far fewer friends now than I did just a few years ago. Like probably 90% less. This has led to far fewer social obligations and far fewer nights out. Positively this has led to less drinking because I am surrounded by far fewer idiots. Have you ever noticed that the bond you share with most of your "friends" is alcohol? Well there's a reason for that you and your friends are idiots. Don't take that personally though all young people are idiots.
2. I am far less nervous around people I want to have sex with. Having had sex plenty of time I'm pretty much know what I'm in for and what I might be missing. Sex is great but it only eats up about an hours worth of time then the rest of the time you're probably gonna be stuck talking to a dip shit. So now when I'm on dates I don't give much of a fuck. Obviously sex would be nice, but I can always just masturbate instead its far cheaper and far less time consuming.
3. I don't have to meet as many people. Having lots of friends means having to meet lots of people. This leads to painfully boring small talk and forced interactions that are nothing less than a huge waste of time. If you think you should be out meeting people go on the internet. Those are the people you'll meet now do you think its still worth the effort?

Don't Pump Up The Jam Right Now

Why does there have to be shitty music every and every time? I don't get it. What makes people think I want to hear One Republic while I'm eating? Is the same music you dance to at a night club really the soundtrack you want while you're eating a bagel at 9 in the morning? Its not just in restaurant establishments either, retail outlets, grocery stores, even waiting rooms all play loud shitty music. Now regardless of your taste in music I think we can all agree that breakfast is certainly not the time for pop music. I'm on my way to waste another day of my finite life at work the last thing I feel like thinking about it Katy Perry. Fuck I don't even want to hear stuff I like right now I just woke up not to long ago now is just not the time. What's wrong with just having silence? That would be alright. I admit being able to hear every conversation going on might be annoying, but he sometimes eavesdropping can be fun, but John Legends always sucks.

Blondes Have More Fun

The Germans really have a way of saying what we're all thinking. Take the whole concept of the blonde hair blue eyed aryan race. Clearly this idea is not unique to the Germans. Blonde hair blue eyed people the world over are entirely convinced that they have the optimum phenotype going. No people anywhere are more insular than those with blonde hair and blue eyes. They tend to mate exclusively with each other for the obvious purpose of producing children that also have blonde hair and blue eyes, they have even established their own countries such as Sweden. Sweden is notorious for its tough immigration laws. Now the reason for these exclusionary policies should be clear, they don't want dark hair dark eyed people in the gene pool of tall blue eyed blondes they've managed to cultivate over the years. Who knows maybe they're onto something though maybe that particular phenotype is the best one to end up with in the genetic lottery because it comes with considerable social capital. Think about it when's the last time you met a broke tall blue eyed blonde? Another idea the Germans managed to articulate beautifully is that sort of satisfaction we get from watching others suffer through disappointments and failures. They even gave this feeling a name "scahdenfreude". I remember a few years ago when Chicago was vying to host the summer games. This prospect had the city in a frenzy of excitement. The idea that we could host this event filled everyone with a kind of hometown pride, but it did not come to pass. Chicago was passed over and this so-called honor was bestowed on some other city. Now I don't think I ever felt a more powerful surge of satisfaction than what the collective disappointment of tens of thousands filled me with. I took to facebook right away answering the angry posts with all the benefits of not hosting the games. Of course this just upset them further and I was all the more pleased because of it. Point is I'm kind of a dick.

Mashin Particles

When theoretical physicists explain their research am I the only who thinks, yeah I heard that Phish song to, or is there something I'm missing here, and there's a reason why everyone except me says they understand this stuff? To be frank I get the feeling these are just really smart guys who watched a lot of science fiction movies and figured out a way they could get people to fork over massive amounts of money while hang around labs and come up with even more abstract ideas. Multiverses, particle mashers, and alternate realities? Yeah yeah I've said my fair share of stuff when I was high, none of this is new. Going off on a little bit of a tangent how many have people have told you that the when we die the molecules we're made of go onto become part of matter else where? I've heard this a lot and surprise surprise its never really made me feel any better. Somehow being dust that later becomes part of a rock or some shit just doesn't give me much comfort.

White Bread

Sometime in the last year or two white people all over the western world suddenly realized that they're deathly allergic to bread, or more specifically to gluten. That's right it turns out an age old staple of the human diet is really a dietary Trojan horse of death. It lures you in with its facade of nutrition and sustenance and then slowly kills you over the course of many many many years. Anyone can have a gluten allergy, but it appears to be most prevalent in white 20 somethings.  You maybe wondering if you suffer from this horrible affliction.  Well there is an easy way to tell do you chronically suffer from any one of these vague nondescript symptoms?

Fatigue
Nausea
Depression
"bad skin???"
Stomach Pain
Diarrhea
Bone or Joint pain
Constipation
or migranes?

If you said yes to any of these then you may have a gluten allergy, or cancer, or the common cold, or the flu, or food poisoning, or just about any thing. Actually before concluding you have a gluten allergy you may want to ask yourself am I just really suggestible? Am I quick to latch on to a trend? Should I just worry about something else? Do I need a hobby?

The Holy Mormon Empire

As sure as one day the sun will burn out forever leaving the Earth a dark uninhabitable rock, there will come a time long before that when the United States no longer exists. As time erodes us it does the same for nations. Whole civilizations have come and gone, and the the United States will be no exception. So what happens when the hegemonic power of the federal government is no longer able to exert itself over all the regions that compose this country each with its own unique customs, shared history, and culture? Inevitably new nations will be crafted out of these smaller pieces. There maybe a weak central power that resides over a lose confederation, but it will surely lack the resources and powers to moderate and control relationships of these new states. So what next? I predict the Mormons will be a social group that will not only survive but may very will flourish in this scenario. The smiling faces of young congenial missionaries was not always the first thing people though of when the church of latter day saints came up. The Mormons like any other religion in its institutional infancy was considered a cult by the dominate political and religious figures in the country and had to suffer the violence of an official sanctioned pogrom carried out by the state of Missouri with the blessing of president Buchanan.They were exiled and their religion, their collective of shared beliefs was a strong enough social adhesive for the society to survive its birth and maturation. The Mormons understanding the role geography plays in the strength and longevity of a community established their Capitol one of the most potent symbols of lasting power. So I believe the Mormon church has put created the conditions favorable to them in the even of a national breakdown. There will come a time when the physical Mormons communities will be driven to expand and they will ride out of the deserts of Utah the same way the Mongols did out centuries ago to take what they need. The far less organized groups that stand in their way will be consumed by them. The water of the great lakes will attract them to the east. Then the Church of Latter Day Saints will have its empire...for a while.

Good Ol American Ingenuity

http://rt.com/usa/164948-bulletproof-blankets-shield-school-shootings/
The American education system has gotten a lot of bad press. It seems just because its the richest country on the planet and the self proclaimed leader of the "free world" people think it should have an educational system just a bit better than Rwanda's. They say our children lack scientific prowess and that will hurt innovation, but I say that's bull ass and today I have proof! Let me introduce you to the bulletproof blanket (if this isn't a sign of the times then I really don't know what it is). Now the bullet proof blanket is exactly what it sounds like. It closely resembles a yoga mat and students under fire at school can wear it on their backs in the hope the shooter won't have time to just walk up and shoot them in the head. In a prior post I talked about how the U.S. is far out pacing Russia in the number of school shootings we have and now it seems the free market has responded with the its usual level of concern and understanding for the systemic roots of a horrific problem and has given us this miraculous new device. So you see the criticisms of the American education system can be completely written off. America does care about its kids futures so much so that its given them half a chance of surviving a bullet to the back.

Plan For Your Afterlife Today!

People just don't take the afterlife seriously enough. Close to half the population of the planet at least pays lip service to the idea that after our body dies we go on to live for all eternity in heaven, hell, Valhalla, or whatever ghost world happens to be associated with their faith. I happen to believe in Dragon Ball Z's theory on the afterlife where we all become little clouds that frequent martial arts tournaments. Anyway I'm starting to notice there are some small but very noticeable cracks in this whole thing, and I'm not talking about the material reality of it I'm talking about peoples faith in it. You can tell in some of the words and phrases people use that deep down they might not believe this is true. For example when someone gets married, at least in a traditional christian wedding the vows end with the phrase "till death do you part". Ok so apparently the death of one of the two people entering into the marriage makes the vows null and void, but why? If they're going to go to heaven, or more likely hell forever and ever after they die why does death break the contract at all? If you believe in the afterlife then death isn't really doing you part its just sort of like one person moved and they're just waiting on the other to get their shit together so they can join them in their new residence in the sky...or in the fiery pits below the ground you know whichever. Another popular phrase I hear people of faith use they have no business using is "life is short." Sorry I thought we lived forever. Now I'm not just picking on the monotheists in Abrhamic religions there are other who are just as guilty. I once heard a Hindu say "yolo". If you don't know what yolo is, its dipshit speak for "you only live once". Now I had to call them on this and point out reincarnation means we live several lives and they need to get their spiritual shit together, and that's another thing if we really do get reincarnated into new beings what happens after everything dies? What happens when the sun burns out and there's no more life to come back as? I live in the United States the country most like to blow up the entire planet out of what I just think is bitterness at this point. So what happens after that? Will the nuclear fires assure that the process of reincarnation halts because there's no way for it to proceed? That's just one apocalyptic scenario. China and Russia seem to be content with the more slow planetary death of sound economic growth. So if everything has choked to death under a cloud of carbon while getting blasted by UV rays what then? See people we need to think about these things. We're talking about eternity here we gotta plan for it!

Be Yourself! As Long As You Happen To Be Like Someone Else

In the looks department I would rate myself on the higher end of 6 and maybe even a low 7, if I'm having a good day. Now somewhat above average looking males appear to be a dime a dozen so its hardly a social asset. Now if you've visited this blog more than once you've probably notice I don't always look at the brighter side of things. There are people who always tell you to "stay positive". They talk about how awesome life is and how happy they are to have the friends they do, the job they do, etc. Well if you really take a look at these people you'll probably notice something about them. They're probably really attractive. Now I'm not saying that's 100% of the time. Ugly people are just as susceptible to cognitive dissidence, but I'm sure if you really take the time you will notice the most positive people you know are probably the most attractive as well, and the problem with that is while they're sitting there telling the rest of us how awesome everything could be if we would just think positive they're not owning up the fact that reason why their lives might seem so awesome is because at least half the people they meet want to have sex with them. How does this improve someones outlook you may ask? Well have you ever been around a person that really really wants to have sex with you? You'll never get more compliments and man what an ego booster that is! These are the same people who talk about music festivals "bringing people together". Well of course it seemed that way to you people tend to be very congenial to people with a washboard stomach. They're also the ones saying "just be yourself." Yeah I'm sure people are willing to embrace your personality no matter what if even just eye fucking you is that good. Here's a little hint about that just being yourself garbage. No one wants you to be yourself. If they did there wouldn't be whole multibillion dollar publications that give you advice on how to look, think, act, and fuck like other people. Just wait till some of these people age and their beauty evaporates then they'll see why some of us didn't always have sunny dispositions.

Being Lazy Is Good For Monogomy

I am involved in I suppose what can be characterized as an exclusive relationship. We haven't sat down and clearly defined the parameters, but the unspoken agreement seems to be that for at least the time being we will only have sex with each other. Unless I'm wrong and she's out banging everyone she can in which case I might need to take a workshop, class, or something on unspoken agreements. That's the problem with things that are unspoken they're also a bit uncertain, but I digress. Now monogamy isn't really a value for me. Not to say I actively sleep around I'm just rather indifferent to the idea of monogamy. Now I rather like the girl I'm seeing she's good company, she's good for conversation, and she's someone you can have a beer with. She's like a friend I can put my penis in, and that's a rather rare arrangement to have. Now I live in Chicago so of course there are women everywhere. Not only that but this is the age of online dating. So its come to the point where leaving the house is no longer required to meet women. Now I have a pretty decent sex drive and throughout the week I definitely get the itch. So even living in a city full of singles that I can connect to instantly via the web how do I resist that temptation? Well I just think to myself how much work it is to actually strike up a conversation then get to the point where an actual date happens. By the time all that work would be done I would have seen the girl I'm already involved with we would have dinner and sex and my mind would be free to think of other things. So do I have the option to cheat? Of course, but is trying to date several different people something that's really worth the time, money, and energy? What's worse than meeting a new person? Meeting a new person you have to have a one on one face to face conversation with for possibly several hours. So when  my dick gets to saying "hey man I'm jacked! What you trying to do tonight?" I just think of the hours effort and all the money I would have to invest just to maybe get the chance to have a sexual encounter and I just say fuck it I'm content to wait a couple nights to get laid again. Now I understand why people want to have sex with as many different people as possible. Having sex with someone for the first time can be pretty awesome, but again its like spinning a roulette wheel are you even sure it'll happen? If it does was it worth everything that went into it?

Better Living Through Chemicals

Isn't there just a part of you that really really wants to believe there is some herbal remedy concatenated in the mysterious orient for anything that might be afflicting you? Doesn't it seem nice to think that over the course of centuries a culture refined and perfected ways for us to treat various medical issues without the use of synthesized chemicals? Yeah I want to believe it too. For the record I'm not a chemist so I guess I really don't know if there might be medicinal value to something like tea or ground up roots from some obscure vegetable. The thing that makes me suspicious though is the people I get this information from, yoga people will go on and on about the long term health benefits of these exotic flora and then they'll say something like; "In ancient China they used grass milk and zumba bark to treat cancer." Or "In India they use florescent fish oil to ward off phenomena." When I hear this I can't help but think have you seen China and India? You really think they have medicine all figured out?

Caption This

With D-Day coming up its time to reflect on the many momentous earth shaking events that changed the world and shaped the times. The consequences of these events reverberate across time as do the words of the leaders that put them into motion, but until now mankind was lacking a very important tool for documenting these sort of moments. I am of course referring to instagram. Just imagine captioning the mushroom cloud over Hiroshima, or the brains flying out of JFK's head. What sort of witty remarks could people set against the backdrop of Normandy or Gettysburg? Also what would the world leaders at the time have tweeted? After the massacre of Polish officers in the Katayn forest would Stalin have said: "Massacring surrendering forces? Kind of a dick move Adolph" and would Hitler have responded with: "Haters will make up lies about you to try and bring you down, but don't stop pushing. Deutschland uber alles!"

Kneel Before Your Prince

Prince's sexuality has always been sort of up for debate. The world knows its none of their business, but still you can't help but wonder. Do I think Price probably would and still does have sex with men? I do, but do I think that makes him gay and or bisexual? Not at all, but I also don't think he's straight. Prince is clearly not of this world. He transcends sexuality and all of our primitive notions surrounding it. He's the next evolution in freaky. As a man I feel like I could have sex with Price...well you don't have sex with Prince, Prince has sex with you...and I wouldn't be gay for it. Prince is kinda like Gozer from the first Ghost Busters Price isn't a man or a woman just whatever Prince wants to be.

Its Tough Being A Woman. Its Tough Being A Man...Life Just Sucks

Because of this whole recent sorority girl massacre there has been a lot of talk about "slut shamming" and more specifically not trying to control how a woman or girl dresses, and one thing you often hear is "its hot out girls are gonna wear shorts, tank tops, etc and boys should just stop staring" and that's true, however girls especially high school girls need to keep in mind the boys in their classrooms are flooded with hormones. They don't mean to gawk, but keep in mind that's an age where a guys dick is like a minute man missile its basically ready to go whenever. I'm not saying don't wear shorts and shit but cmon exercise a little discretion, and I say this as someone who was in high school when thongs were fashionable. I know it seems like an unfair point to make and it is, but men make concessions for women too. I mean we have to deal with girls when they first start with periods and women when they start menopause end. See that sounds incredibly sexist and maybe it is, but isn't there some truth to that? Of course historically women have made many more concessions in this male dominated culture and it is certainly time to address, reverse, and make right on those. I just have to ask is it still so bad for women in this culture that this issue needs to be take on with such a hostile tone? Do we really have a "rape culture"? I know women have suffered a lot as a result of the pressure men feel to be masculine, and that's exactly my point we suffer because of that pressure too. We're not just malicious we're acting out because of our own cultural suffering. To draw a comparison to racism in America. Anyone who has taken a 100 level sociology course knows lower income people ie the impoverished are more susceptible to that type of ideology. It is because of thier suffering they look to make others suffer. Its not right, but its human and often so-called "educated people" instead of showing them compassion and fixing exactly what it is made them that way they demonize them with slurs of their own. Derogatory words such as "white trash" or "red neck" are thrown around and it only make things worse. I know there is a problem here, and I know something needs to be fixed, but our society has gone quite wrong in addressing social issues like these before lets not make the same mistakes! In the end it is tough being a woman, but its also tough being a man. Life just kinda sucks for everyone...except George Clooney. 

The Course Of History

Whenever some world changing event happens who happens to be commenting on its consequences will usually say it "changed the course of history". Wait though, isn't history what already happened? Since when was it on a course? Was it going according to some plan the rest of us didn't know about? Who decided the course, and once its changed does it ever get back on? Does history sometimes not change course but just maybe veer a little to the left? That doesn't sound as exciting though does it? You'll never hear a newscaster or historian say "This somewhat limited event caused history to swerve slightly".