Standardized Dating Proposal Message

 I am initiating contact to propose we start talking and if we should converse for two hours, or roughly the time it takes people to become acquainted with each other at a variety of social functions we decide if a face to face would be a good idea. 

If we agree to meet, I request to be able to use alcohol to unwind it what will surely be a somewhat tense and awkward situation. You should feel free to do the same. Would this proposal be acceptable?

If you answer no, I will politely say goodbye and will not pursue any further unsolicited contact. I am hoping to eliminate the wasted energy and time that goes into dating by standardizing whatever elements of the process I can. 

Thanks!

This will work every time.

Insanity and Faith

Hallucinating can be fun. On a number of occasions, I have even paid for the experience. It's when the mind accepts hallucinations for reality that they become dangerous and boy does it seem like Americans went on a trip and are never coming back. Right now millions of them believe they can appeal to the system to change itself by voting either for the pathologically criminal Hillary or the bellicose and often intelligible trump. 
Things will continue as they have but fortunately, Americans won't have to stay disappointed for too long because they can do this all again in just four years! As strange a premise as this is its far from the most deranged illusion Americans have decided to cling to while they watch the paint peel.
 They are convinced battery powered cars, solar panels, and whole foods will save them from the manifesting effects of climate change. You know that thing that will flood coastal cities, force hundreds of millions from their homes, and cause widespread famine? Not only are they convinced this is a phenomenon that as the wars their government has ignited all across the planet will be localized to places full of poor brown people.
 For awhile some of them even believed a billionaire with narcissistic personality disorder would take them to live on Mars where they would all laugh and share stories by the light of the burning earth. This proved to be just a bit much. Even for a people shuffling around with drug glazed eyes repeating insane mantras about being the greatest nation there ever was. You've got to hand it to them though they do keep the faith. After 15 years they still believe they're fighting terrorist and that the military can actually win and after 200 some odd years they still even vote. I suppose there is a fine line between insanity and faith