Adopt and Accessorize

There is a hot new accessory that the elite of chic just can't get enough of. Its the hottest new trend to hit A-list celebrity circles since pretending to be Buddhist. I am of course talking about children adopting orphans from the troubled nations talked about on the largest news networks. For a while Chinese girls were all the rage when it came to accessorizing with your casual wear, and nothing compliments your most glamorous evening dresses like a war orphan from the Sudan. Where will the next must have babies come from? Well rumor has it Nigerians will be the look this summer! According to fashion moguls adolescent Nigerien girls go great with fedoras and self-righteous indignation.

Bombing at the Ivy League

We should close Harvard, Yale, and Stanford. There is something deeply troubling about these places as they all seem to have produced a staggering number of mass murders. Yale brought us G.W. Bush. Between Iraq and Afghanistan his body count stands at somewhere around 1 million. Harvard gave us Obama. His hobby seems to be playing with remote control robots that lob missiles at children. Then there's Stanford. Wilson was the president of Stanford before he became president of the United States and his lasting legacy is racing into the first world war after spending his whole campaign promising to do exactly the opposite. What is it about these institutions that inspire these sorts of killers that operate on such a massive scale? If you have a kid who is seriously considering attending one of these schools you should have them psychologically evaluated. Maybe you've never really given any thought as to why their hobbies always seemed to be shop lifting, arson, and torturing animals, but hopefully wanting to get into Yale fraternity will set off some alarms.

Phuck You!

Why have silent letters? Isn't the whole point of a letter to represent a sound, almost like the equivalent of a musical note? Why add letters to words that aren't supposed to be there? Also why combine two letters to make the sound one letter already makes? Like ph sounding like f. Well there was already fucking f so why do the whole ph thing? Why is it phone and not fone? How do these words get decided upon anyway? Why did phone get the whole ph thing and not fuck?

Finding Opportunity in Tragedy

Next weekend is a holiday weekend here in the states. For those of you who are unfamiliar July 4th is when we celebrate the birth of America. Now I don't particularly care about America. Nations are a primitive notion based on tribalism yada yada yada. Setting all that aside though I do enjoy having a couple days off so I can binge drink. Now here in America employers have a habit of giving their employees the holiday itself (if they give time off at all) off but not the subsequent day severely limiting what one can do with that day. So I decided to just ask for July 5th off so I can be as hung over as I want that day and not have to worry about shitty work. I asked as soon as I could as I figured lots of people would request this day. My boss informed me that he was unsure I could take that day because a number of people already had. Well that night I was on facebook and I read about a comedian from Chicago who overdosed and died in New York. I didn't think much of it as I never met the person. Now two days later my boss calls and says if I close for him while he goes to a wake I can have the 5th off. Turns out the person's wake he was going to was the same person I read about on facebook. Isn't it strange how life works? Someone dies in New York and somehow I get a day off. Just think of all the events that had to transpire in his life as well as mine to add up to that. I don't like benefiting from tragedy, but sometimes it just happens that way. That got me thinking about other people who may have benefited from tragedy. Like 9/11 the world trade center was a giant office space and you just know there was someone going into work that day that didn't finish a presentation, forgot to bring a report, or just had some unpleasant news to deliver. He or she was probably sitting on the train treading that moment when they would have to face the consequences but then they get there and the whole thing has collapse. They must have breathed a sigh of relief. I'm sure there were plenty of instances of that in Hiroshima as well. Someone was ridding into town on the train just scared out of their mind about having to confront the boss then bam flash of blinding light and hey no more work to worry about.

REBOOT V. 2.45.35.24. Beta!

If you're gonna do something do it right. Makes enough sense. If something does what its supposed to and does it satisfactorily there is generally no need to improve upon it and it can be left alone to serve its purpose until progress eventually renders it obsolete. Well apparently this way of thinking itself has become obsolete. Nothing works, nothing has been done right, and everything needs to be updated, rebooted, and remade. As it turns out everything ever made is laughably inadequate and needs to be redone. Advertisers have actually turned this into a selling point. Take Dominoes for instance their big marketing campaign has centered around on how awful their food was and now they're making good on it by revamping the recipe. Hollywood has done the same thing and has even coined a cute new marketing term for taking something they just fucked up the first time and slightly improving upon it. They call it "rebooting". As it turns out a number of movies they spent millions making and even millions more convincing us to see actually sucked ass and they have come to terms with this and decided to "reboot" these titles in the hopes that this time it can be done right! I'm sure there's no possible way 5 to 10 years from now they'll be "rebooting" the reboots that happened to suck just as bad as the originals. Where did this ploy of making things and deciding they were shitty and needed to be redone for a handsome profit come from? My guess is Microsoft which has been making dysfunctional crap for years, got it right once (XP) and decided to "upgrade" only to come out with something worse. Now everything they make requires constant updates and upgrades cause apparently it wasn't right the first time, but by god that didn't stop them from selling it and my guess is it never will. So if there's one thing we've learned over the last two decades there is far more long term reward in doing something half-assed. That way when you admit it sucks come along and fix people will somehow mistake your laziness, greed, and negligence for integrity.

Stop being intolerant you stupid red necks!

The parents of America have taken on a new crusade, they're gonna put an end to bullying in our schools! How are they going to accomplish this? Through a number of so-called zero tolerance policies that mandate punishments such as expulsion and in some cases even jail time for what was once just considered normal childhood behavior that could be dealt with by a teacher with a simple reprimand. Well as it turns out that just wasn't enough. It turns out bullies are sick people who need to be ostracized from society immediately! As it turns the only way to combat bullying, behavior characterized by violence and intimidation is through policies of violence and intimidation. This brilliant idea is yet another from apparently educated liberal types who only want to see children flourish, except of course if one the children happens to use a racial or homophobic slur than its off to the gallows! The most tragic and funny thing about people who take up these types of pointless social causes is that they are more often than not college educated white collar professionals. Presumably these so-called educated people took a few social science classes while they were attending their fancy universities. So what happened when they were taking sociology? Shouldn't they have learned there are things called "life chances" and people are often times just products of their upbringing which is heavily influenced by socioeconomic status? Shouldn't someone have told these enlightened people that often times people on the lower rungs of society often embrace things like racism and homophobia as kind of a defense mechanism? The obvious solution to these problems is an economic and social revolution that would involve a vast redistribution of wealth and the reintegration of the poor into the formal economy, but that just sounds way too hard. How is the American liberal going to find time to do this between yoga classes and cocktails? So like any concerned Americans instead of tackling the systemic cause they decided to use their money and clout to launch a campaign of violence against children, and of course the children of the poor will be the most heavily victimized by this, because as I said above it is children of the poor who are most likely to be brought up with a hateful ideology. So now when they go to school and use the word nigger or fag they will be treated like felons. They will be kicked out of school and their lives will be quickly ruined because of policies promoted by people who routinely use slurs like red neck or hick.

The Reason for the Season

Lets stop pretending like there's really still a St. Patrick's day, a Cinco De Mayo, a Halloween, or gay pride and lets just start calling all these days what they really are, "National drunk college girls in skimpy outfits day." Lets be honest in a decade or so kids won't be trick or treating. There will be too many reports about people putting semen in candy or whatever, but drunk college chicks will still be dressing up like slutty fill in the blank. Mexicans will only think about Cinco De Mayo in passing ball over college campuses and metropolitan areas half naked college girls will be chugging margaritas. Drunk college girls apparently don't get the attention they deserve so they're forced to co-opt other holidays. We need to change that and just start recognizing all the holidays they make fashionable to celebrate by making those holidays for them!

Focus Group

Since social media has turned us into focus group that works around the clock, constantly feeding data in real time about our likes, our dislikes, what we buy, and what we think to marketers and advertisers with increasingly more sophisticated ways to exploit that data. How long before music, movies, books are written by algorithms? How long before art and entertainment is nothing but the product of automated processes powered by a piece of software?

Time Flies

Isn't it strange how life starts? Chances are you don't remember the first few years of your life. Memory just sort of begins at some point and now here you are, living in this very moment, and it would be very difficult if not impossible to recall every detail in your journey to now. A lot of time has gone by before you and I were here. According to scientist over 14 billion years have passed. Didn't that seem to go by pretty quick? Felt like a flash to me. Homo sapiens evolved, settled into civilizations, and now we're here in the early years of the first ever global civilization and no one is quite sure how the fuck it all happened. There's some kind of collective amnesia. Humanity collectively is no different from any one of us individually. There are some hazy early child hood memories, years of experience we only remember in fragments, and now here we are.

Becoming A Photographer In 4 Easy Steps!

You've always sucked at academics. Can't remember dates, hate doing equations, and have no original ideas about anything that might be underpinning nature or society. That's ok though you're young, white, and your parents have money. There's no way you're not exceptional in some way! You must be creative! Yep that's it you're not mediocre you're an artist! So what's your discipline?  Can you paint? No? Can you draw? No? Well ok lets see can you carve wood or mold clay? None of that huh? Well that's ok clearly you were meant to be a photographer! Becoming a photographer is pretty easy assuming you can rock skinny jeans and follow these quick and easy steps!
1. Go to Urban Outfitters
Urban Outfitters has all the attire a photographer needs. What's the point of being all artistic and creative if people can't take one look at you and say: "Hey look at that guy/girl they look like they must be really creative!"
2. Get Tattoos
As stated above you're artistic and that obviously means dressing and looking a certain way. Its not superficial or anything that's just how art works. Get yourself tattooed right away!
3. Get A Camera
Make sure you learn how to use the black and white filter this is key. Also make sure you take pictures of things that are extremely mundane and boring, but  be sure to do it in a skewed sort of way. This will show people you have a unique perspective!
4. Attend Over Priced Art School
All ballsy rebel artists go to art school right?? This will be a great place to meet other individuals just like yourself!

See that's all it takes. Hopefully you were born into a rich family so if you fail you always have money to go to business school.

Dime Novels From Oblivion

This is a collection of anecdotes from the fringes of reality. It is a tapestry stitched together from our nightmares. What you will find here are the fears that haunt the collective imagination as well as our dreams. These stories are symptoms of the sickness known as the human condition.

http://dimenovelsfromoblivion.blogspot.com/

Everyone Dies...Good!

Everyone you've ever met, everyone you've ever talked to, everyone you've ever seen is going to be dead one day. I know people get depressed and scared when they think of friends, family, and themselves dying, but just think of all the shitty people that are going to die as well. Remember that chick who cut you in line? She's only got so much time left. Remember that annoying guy with the visor? He's a walking corpse! How about that person who shot you down for a date? Don't sweat it they're gonna get old, their looks will go, and soon enough they'll just be another stiff rotting in the ground. Yep sooner or later everyone dies and I believe its time we started seeing just how great that is. Next time someone pisses you off and you're not quite sure what to do about it just remember the motherfucker will be dead one day anyway, and who knows maybe you'll be around to get the satisfaction of reading his obituary. They say good things come to those who wait and getting to see assholes dying seems like an ample reward...of course wait around long enough its gonna happen to you as well, but we can just file that under tragedy or whatever you wanna call it.

I'll Show You!

I've noticed I have this weird habit where if really really hate something I'll run a Google search that will give me websites about how people also really hate for instance "windows 8 sucks". I don't know why but it gives me an odd sense of satisfaction hearing other people talk about how they hate the same thing I do. It accomplishes absolutely nothing. Of course there are gonna people who think Windows 8 "sucks" what did I prove to myself?

See The Little Red Button?

As most people already know voter turn out in American elections is at an all time low. Mostly because people have woken up to the reality of politics being a screw job, but putting all that aside the reason I've never voted for a president isn't because of party politics or whatever its because I'm not comfortable with the idea of giving a guy I never met control over the world's largest nuclear arsenal. The fact America has the largest nuclear arsenal is sort of a glaring hole in that old tired narrative about the U.S. being a nation concerned about peace, justice, and human rights. I can only think of one other empire that striven to have the power to destroy planets and that's the galactic empire. Anyway I've never met Obama, I've never met, Bush Jr or Sr, and I've never met Clinton. So why the hell would I trust them with that kind of destructive power? What exactly are their credentials? How mentally sound are they really? Would you give a random guy an M16 and tell him to keep watch on the streets? No, that would be ridiculous so why would you opt to give one guy, ONE FUCKING GUY control over those kind of weapons? Also why do people volunteer to work on political campaigns? Do these people really want to spend their time going door to door begging people to give someone they never met a really well paying cushy job with obscene benefits when they can't find one themselves, and do it on a volunteer basis n less?? Get fuckin real.

Youth Is Largely Wasted Time

Getting old sucks for very obvious reasons. No one wants to see their body go into decline, no one wants to think about the fact what they're eating might be slowly clogging the blood vessels in their brain, and no one wants to die least of all, however as I have begun the aging process I have noticed some pretty awesome benefits almost right away to. So for those of you in your late teens and early 20s this is something you have to look forward to in just a few years, and you may not appreciate it now, but believe me you will. If don't you're probably an idiot.
1. I have far fewer friends now than I did just a few years ago. Like probably 90% less. This has led to far fewer social obligations and far fewer nights out. Positively this has led to less drinking because I am surrounded by far fewer idiots. Have you ever noticed that the bond you share with most of your "friends" is alcohol? Well there's a reason for that you and your friends are idiots. Don't take that personally though all young people are idiots.
2. I am far less nervous around people I want to have sex with. Having had sex plenty of time I'm pretty much know what I'm in for and what I might be missing. Sex is great but it only eats up about an hours worth of time then the rest of the time you're probably gonna be stuck talking to a dip shit. So now when I'm on dates I don't give much of a fuck. Obviously sex would be nice, but I can always just masturbate instead its far cheaper and far less time consuming.
3. I don't have to meet as many people. Having lots of friends means having to meet lots of people. This leads to painfully boring small talk and forced interactions that are nothing less than a huge waste of time. If you think you should be out meeting people go on the internet. Those are the people you'll meet now do you think its still worth the effort?

Don't Pump Up The Jam Right Now

Why does there have to be shitty music every and every time? I don't get it. What makes people think I want to hear One Republic while I'm eating? Is the same music you dance to at a night club really the soundtrack you want while you're eating a bagel at 9 in the morning? Its not just in restaurant establishments either, retail outlets, grocery stores, even waiting rooms all play loud shitty music. Now regardless of your taste in music I think we can all agree that breakfast is certainly not the time for pop music. I'm on my way to waste another day of my finite life at work the last thing I feel like thinking about it Katy Perry. Fuck I don't even want to hear stuff I like right now I just woke up not to long ago now is just not the time. What's wrong with just having silence? That would be alright. I admit being able to hear every conversation going on might be annoying, but he sometimes eavesdropping can be fun, but John Legends always sucks.

Blondes Have More Fun

The Germans really have a way of saying what we're all thinking. Take the whole concept of the blonde hair blue eyed aryan race. Clearly this idea is not unique to the Germans. Blonde hair blue eyed people the world over are entirely convinced that they have the optimum phenotype going. No people anywhere are more insular than those with blonde hair and blue eyes. They tend to mate exclusively with each other for the obvious purpose of producing children that also have blonde hair and blue eyes, they have even established their own countries such as Sweden. Sweden is notorious for its tough immigration laws. Now the reason for these exclusionary policies should be clear, they don't want dark hair dark eyed people in the gene pool of tall blue eyed blondes they've managed to cultivate over the years. Who knows maybe they're onto something though maybe that particular phenotype is the best one to end up with in the genetic lottery because it comes with considerable social capital. Think about it when's the last time you met a broke tall blue eyed blonde? Another idea the Germans managed to articulate beautifully is that sort of satisfaction we get from watching others suffer through disappointments and failures. They even gave this feeling a name "scahdenfreude". I remember a few years ago when Chicago was vying to host the summer games. This prospect had the city in a frenzy of excitement. The idea that we could host this event filled everyone with a kind of hometown pride, but it did not come to pass. Chicago was passed over and this so-called honor was bestowed on some other city. Now I don't think I ever felt a more powerful surge of satisfaction than what the collective disappointment of tens of thousands filled me with. I took to facebook right away answering the angry posts with all the benefits of not hosting the games. Of course this just upset them further and I was all the more pleased because of it. Point is I'm kind of a dick.

Mashin Particles

When theoretical physicists explain their research am I the only who thinks, yeah I heard that Phish song to, or is there something I'm missing here, and there's a reason why everyone except me says they understand this stuff? To be frank I get the feeling these are just really smart guys who watched a lot of science fiction movies and figured out a way they could get people to fork over massive amounts of money while hang around labs and come up with even more abstract ideas. Multiverses, particle mashers, and alternate realities? Yeah yeah I've said my fair share of stuff when I was high, none of this is new. Going off on a little bit of a tangent how many have people have told you that the when we die the molecules we're made of go onto become part of matter else where? I've heard this a lot and surprise surprise its never really made me feel any better. Somehow being dust that later becomes part of a rock or some shit just doesn't give me much comfort.

White Bread

Sometime in the last year or two white people all over the western world suddenly realized that they're deathly allergic to bread, or more specifically to gluten. That's right it turns out an age old staple of the human diet is really a dietary Trojan horse of death. It lures you in with its facade of nutrition and sustenance and then slowly kills you over the course of many many many years. Anyone can have a gluten allergy, but it appears to be most prevalent in white 20 somethings.  You maybe wondering if you suffer from this horrible affliction.  Well there is an easy way to tell do you chronically suffer from any one of these vague nondescript symptoms?

Fatigue
Nausea
Depression
"bad skin???"
Stomach Pain
Diarrhea
Bone or Joint pain
Constipation
or migranes?

If you said yes to any of these then you may have a gluten allergy, or cancer, or the common cold, or the flu, or food poisoning, or just about any thing. Actually before concluding you have a gluten allergy you may want to ask yourself am I just really suggestible? Am I quick to latch on to a trend? Should I just worry about something else? Do I need a hobby?

The Holy Mormon Empire

As sure as one day the sun will burn out forever leaving the Earth a dark uninhabitable rock, there will come a time long before that when the United States no longer exists. As time erodes us it does the same for nations. Whole civilizations have come and gone, and the the United States will be no exception. So what happens when the hegemonic power of the federal government is no longer able to exert itself over all the regions that compose this country each with its own unique customs, shared history, and culture? Inevitably new nations will be crafted out of these smaller pieces. There maybe a weak central power that resides over a lose confederation, but it will surely lack the resources and powers to moderate and control relationships of these new states. So what next? I predict the Mormons will be a social group that will not only survive but may very will flourish in this scenario. The smiling faces of young congenial missionaries was not always the first thing people though of when the church of latter day saints came up. The Mormons like any other religion in its institutional infancy was considered a cult by the dominate political and religious figures in the country and had to suffer the violence of an official sanctioned pogrom carried out by the state of Missouri with the blessing of president Buchanan.They were exiled and their religion, their collective of shared beliefs was a strong enough social adhesive for the society to survive its birth and maturation. The Mormons understanding the role geography plays in the strength and longevity of a community established their Capitol one of the most potent symbols of lasting power. So I believe the Mormon church has put created the conditions favorable to them in the even of a national breakdown. There will come a time when the physical Mormons communities will be driven to expand and they will ride out of the deserts of Utah the same way the Mongols did out centuries ago to take what they need. The far less organized groups that stand in their way will be consumed by them. The water of the great lakes will attract them to the east. Then the Church of Latter Day Saints will have its empire...for a while.

Good Ol American Ingenuity

http://rt.com/usa/164948-bulletproof-blankets-shield-school-shootings/
The American education system has gotten a lot of bad press. It seems just because its the richest country on the planet and the self proclaimed leader of the "free world" people think it should have an educational system just a bit better than Rwanda's. They say our children lack scientific prowess and that will hurt innovation, but I say that's bull ass and today I have proof! Let me introduce you to the bulletproof blanket (if this isn't a sign of the times then I really don't know what it is). Now the bullet proof blanket is exactly what it sounds like. It closely resembles a yoga mat and students under fire at school can wear it on their backs in the hope the shooter won't have time to just walk up and shoot them in the head. In a prior post I talked about how the U.S. is far out pacing Russia in the number of school shootings we have and now it seems the free market has responded with the its usual level of concern and understanding for the systemic roots of a horrific problem and has given us this miraculous new device. So you see the criticisms of the American education system can be completely written off. America does care about its kids futures so much so that its given them half a chance of surviving a bullet to the back.

Plan For Your Afterlife Today!

People just don't take the afterlife seriously enough. Close to half the population of the planet at least pays lip service to the idea that after our body dies we go on to live for all eternity in heaven, hell, Valhalla, or whatever ghost world happens to be associated with their faith. I happen to believe in Dragon Ball Z's theory on the afterlife where we all become little clouds that frequent martial arts tournaments. Anyway I'm starting to notice there are some small but very noticeable cracks in this whole thing, and I'm not talking about the material reality of it I'm talking about peoples faith in it. You can tell in some of the words and phrases people use that deep down they might not believe this is true. For example when someone gets married, at least in a traditional christian wedding the vows end with the phrase "till death do you part". Ok so apparently the death of one of the two people entering into the marriage makes the vows null and void, but why? If they're going to go to heaven, or more likely hell forever and ever after they die why does death break the contract at all? If you believe in the afterlife then death isn't really doing you part its just sort of like one person moved and they're just waiting on the other to get their shit together so they can join them in their new residence in the sky...or in the fiery pits below the ground you know whichever. Another popular phrase I hear people of faith use they have no business using is "life is short." Sorry I thought we lived forever. Now I'm not just picking on the monotheists in Abrhamic religions there are other who are just as guilty. I once heard a Hindu say "yolo". If you don't know what yolo is, its dipshit speak for "you only live once". Now I had to call them on this and point out reincarnation means we live several lives and they need to get their spiritual shit together, and that's another thing if we really do get reincarnated into new beings what happens after everything dies? What happens when the sun burns out and there's no more life to come back as? I live in the United States the country most like to blow up the entire planet out of what I just think is bitterness at this point. So what happens after that? Will the nuclear fires assure that the process of reincarnation halts because there's no way for it to proceed? That's just one apocalyptic scenario. China and Russia seem to be content with the more slow planetary death of sound economic growth. So if everything has choked to death under a cloud of carbon while getting blasted by UV rays what then? See people we need to think about these things. We're talking about eternity here we gotta plan for it!

Be Yourself! As Long As You Happen To Be Like Someone Else

In the looks department I would rate myself on the higher end of 6 and maybe even a low 7, if I'm having a good day. Now somewhat above average looking males appear to be a dime a dozen so its hardly a social asset. Now if you've visited this blog more than once you've probably notice I don't always look at the brighter side of things. There are people who always tell you to "stay positive". They talk about how awesome life is and how happy they are to have the friends they do, the job they do, etc. Well if you really take a look at these people you'll probably notice something about them. They're probably really attractive. Now I'm not saying that's 100% of the time. Ugly people are just as susceptible to cognitive dissidence, but I'm sure if you really take the time you will notice the most positive people you know are probably the most attractive as well, and the problem with that is while they're sitting there telling the rest of us how awesome everything could be if we would just think positive they're not owning up the fact that reason why their lives might seem so awesome is because at least half the people they meet want to have sex with them. How does this improve someones outlook you may ask? Well have you ever been around a person that really really wants to have sex with you? You'll never get more compliments and man what an ego booster that is! These are the same people who talk about music festivals "bringing people together". Well of course it seemed that way to you people tend to be very congenial to people with a washboard stomach. They're also the ones saying "just be yourself." Yeah I'm sure people are willing to embrace your personality no matter what if even just eye fucking you is that good. Here's a little hint about that just being yourself garbage. No one wants you to be yourself. If they did there wouldn't be whole multibillion dollar publications that give you advice on how to look, think, act, and fuck like other people. Just wait till some of these people age and their beauty evaporates then they'll see why some of us didn't always have sunny dispositions.

Being Lazy Is Good For Monogomy

I am involved in I suppose what can be characterized as an exclusive relationship. We haven't sat down and clearly defined the parameters, but the unspoken agreement seems to be that for at least the time being we will only have sex with each other. Unless I'm wrong and she's out banging everyone she can in which case I might need to take a workshop, class, or something on unspoken agreements. That's the problem with things that are unspoken they're also a bit uncertain, but I digress. Now monogamy isn't really a value for me. Not to say I actively sleep around I'm just rather indifferent to the idea of monogamy. Now I rather like the girl I'm seeing she's good company, she's good for conversation, and she's someone you can have a beer with. She's like a friend I can put my penis in, and that's a rather rare arrangement to have. Now I live in Chicago so of course there are women everywhere. Not only that but this is the age of online dating. So its come to the point where leaving the house is no longer required to meet women. Now I have a pretty decent sex drive and throughout the week I definitely get the itch. So even living in a city full of singles that I can connect to instantly via the web how do I resist that temptation? Well I just think to myself how much work it is to actually strike up a conversation then get to the point where an actual date happens. By the time all that work would be done I would have seen the girl I'm already involved with we would have dinner and sex and my mind would be free to think of other things. So do I have the option to cheat? Of course, but is trying to date several different people something that's really worth the time, money, and energy? What's worse than meeting a new person? Meeting a new person you have to have a one on one face to face conversation with for possibly several hours. So when  my dick gets to saying "hey man I'm jacked! What you trying to do tonight?" I just think of the hours effort and all the money I would have to invest just to maybe get the chance to have a sexual encounter and I just say fuck it I'm content to wait a couple nights to get laid again. Now I understand why people want to have sex with as many different people as possible. Having sex with someone for the first time can be pretty awesome, but again its like spinning a roulette wheel are you even sure it'll happen? If it does was it worth everything that went into it?

Better Living Through Chemicals

Isn't there just a part of you that really really wants to believe there is some herbal remedy concatenated in the mysterious orient for anything that might be afflicting you? Doesn't it seem nice to think that over the course of centuries a culture refined and perfected ways for us to treat various medical issues without the use of synthesized chemicals? Yeah I want to believe it too. For the record I'm not a chemist so I guess I really don't know if there might be medicinal value to something like tea or ground up roots from some obscure vegetable. The thing that makes me suspicious though is the people I get this information from, yoga people will go on and on about the long term health benefits of these exotic flora and then they'll say something like; "In ancient China they used grass milk and zumba bark to treat cancer." Or "In India they use florescent fish oil to ward off phenomena." When I hear this I can't help but think have you seen China and India? You really think they have medicine all figured out?

Caption This

With D-Day coming up its time to reflect on the many momentous earth shaking events that changed the world and shaped the times. The consequences of these events reverberate across time as do the words of the leaders that put them into motion, but until now mankind was lacking a very important tool for documenting these sort of moments. I am of course referring to instagram. Just imagine captioning the mushroom cloud over Hiroshima, or the brains flying out of JFK's head. What sort of witty remarks could people set against the backdrop of Normandy or Gettysburg? Also what would the world leaders at the time have tweeted? After the massacre of Polish officers in the Katayn forest would Stalin have said: "Massacring surrendering forces? Kind of a dick move Adolph" and would Hitler have responded with: "Haters will make up lies about you to try and bring you down, but don't stop pushing. Deutschland uber alles!"

Kneel Before Your Prince

Prince's sexuality has always been sort of up for debate. The world knows its none of their business, but still you can't help but wonder. Do I think Price probably would and still does have sex with men? I do, but do I think that makes him gay and or bisexual? Not at all, but I also don't think he's straight. Prince is clearly not of this world. He transcends sexuality and all of our primitive notions surrounding it. He's the next evolution in freaky. As a man I feel like I could have sex with Price...well you don't have sex with Prince, Prince has sex with you...and I wouldn't be gay for it. Prince is kinda like Gozer from the first Ghost Busters Price isn't a man or a woman just whatever Prince wants to be.

Its Tough Being A Woman. Its Tough Being A Man...Life Just Sucks

Because of this whole recent sorority girl massacre there has been a lot of talk about "slut shamming" and more specifically not trying to control how a woman or girl dresses, and one thing you often hear is "its hot out girls are gonna wear shorts, tank tops, etc and boys should just stop staring" and that's true, however girls especially high school girls need to keep in mind the boys in their classrooms are flooded with hormones. They don't mean to gawk, but keep in mind that's an age where a guys dick is like a minute man missile its basically ready to go whenever. I'm not saying don't wear shorts and shit but cmon exercise a little discretion, and I say this as someone who was in high school when thongs were fashionable. I know it seems like an unfair point to make and it is, but men make concessions for women too. I mean we have to deal with girls when they first start with periods and women when they start menopause end. See that sounds incredibly sexist and maybe it is, but isn't there some truth to that? Of course historically women have made many more concessions in this male dominated culture and it is certainly time to address, reverse, and make right on those. I just have to ask is it still so bad for women in this culture that this issue needs to be take on with such a hostile tone? Do we really have a "rape culture"? I know women have suffered a lot as a result of the pressure men feel to be masculine, and that's exactly my point we suffer because of that pressure too. We're not just malicious we're acting out because of our own cultural suffering. To draw a comparison to racism in America. Anyone who has taken a 100 level sociology course knows lower income people ie the impoverished are more susceptible to that type of ideology. It is because of thier suffering they look to make others suffer. Its not right, but its human and often so-called "educated people" instead of showing them compassion and fixing exactly what it is made them that way they demonize them with slurs of their own. Derogatory words such as "white trash" or "red neck" are thrown around and it only make things worse. I know there is a problem here, and I know something needs to be fixed, but our society has gone quite wrong in addressing social issues like these before lets not make the same mistakes! In the end it is tough being a woman, but its also tough being a man. Life just kinda sucks for everyone...except George Clooney. 

The Course Of History

Whenever some world changing event happens who happens to be commenting on its consequences will usually say it "changed the course of history". Wait though, isn't history what already happened? Since when was it on a course? Was it going according to some plan the rest of us didn't know about? Who decided the course, and once its changed does it ever get back on? Does history sometimes not change course but just maybe veer a little to the left? That doesn't sound as exciting though does it? You'll never hear a newscaster or historian say "This somewhat limited event caused history to swerve slightly".

No Child Gets Left Behind!

There's no question about it white liberals love to talk Africa, and why not? Its a continent torn apart by war, famine, disease, and corruption. None of which they can see so they feel plenty good about liking a pic on Facebook and occasionally sending money. Now one big issue that comes up when overly educated pseudo-liberals talk Africa is child soldiers. They can't stand the idea of 12 year olds marauding around with assault riffles, and that makes sense. Its terrible to think about, no child should be put in that situation, but when are they when it comes to our own children? The American military makes no secret about it they want your kids. They recruit them in their schools, they broadcast obscene propaganda with messages like "America's navy a global force for good", and they work with their partners to craft media to make war look glamorous and entertaining. So why is it ok for America's military to go to 16,17, and 18 year olds put a gun in their hand and send them to kill other children? I know 18 is technically an "adult" but these people just got done with prom now they're on their way to Iraq? And there's hardly a word about this from the same elitist liberals who cry and cry about the child soldiers forced to serve mean ol warlords in Africa. Could it be because the children that become soldiers here are sent to wars that keep their gas prices relatively low? Or is it because they are conditioned to hate the poor here? Do they see the poor as so stupid that a job involving toting an assault rifle around the desert as a good opportunity for them? Of course not for their own children they have to go to college and become accountants the army is too dangerous for them!

Comradery and Community The First Steps To Mass Murder

When people say something "brings people together" they usually mean it promotes a sense of comradery between a group of people for a short time via a shared interest.
For most people this means sports, music festivals, and various other entertainments.  Usually,  this manifests itself amongst crowds in the form of chanting, cheering,  frequent high fiving, or singing along with a crowd.
Sounds fun, right? Who doesn't want to experience that feeling of  belonging? Well, guess what its all a farce. Think about it what do all these events that apparently promote the community spirit have in common?  Excessive amounts of drugs and alcohol. Think about it everyone at a game is drunk out of their minds and music festivals are pretty much open air drug markets. So that warm feeling of togetherness you maybe experience while you and a few thousand other people singalong with whoever is on stage is probably just the result of intoxication
. Don't get me wrong I don't mind drugs and alcohol but lets call this bringing people bullshit for what it is. Its the same thing as banging someone you find hideous the next day because you had your beer goggles on. It's only an illusion. Let's be honest nothing good ever came out of bringing people together. In fact bringing people together is the first-step psychotic leaders take when planning to launch a war or commit genocide. Now that's what people do when they come together. The shit you see at a game or at a show that's people coming together in the most superficial sense. Wrapping their arms around each other and singing for 20 minutes is just something people do when they're wasted. Now when they really come together, when they really feel that comradery that's usually because they've decided they hate some other people so much that they've been brought together by their desire to kill them, and that violence that comes with feeling close to a group does manifest itself all be it on a much smaller scale at things like sporting events or concerts. How many people get attacked in stadium parking lots for wearing the wrong jerseys? How many women get beat and raped at concerts because some dude was just feeling the energy? People need to just stay away from each other. The group, the crowd, the comradery only emboldens them to do violent and horrible things. Do yourself and the world a favor don't try and make a connection with people.

Quick Question

I'm just wondering is there any benefit to riding your bike with no hands, or do these people think the same shit that impressed people when they were 7 still works when they're 25?

Need A Profile Pic? Find A Marathon!

If you're white and in your 20s you may have noticed a large number of your friends have begun participating in marathons, and you may have found yourself asking why? Well it turns out marathons are terrific photo opportunities. When you people take photographs of themselves to upload to whatever social media site they usually do so with certain criteria in mind.
1. Does this make my life appear exciting?
There's an old saying that goes "history is whittled down to the gems" and social media has definitely proven that true. People only want you to see the glamorous, the fun, the exciting. Its part of the mentality they have where they want to one up everyone. You'll only see fancy clubs, designer clothes, beautiful friends, and finish lines. You won't see all the horrible things that happen to themselves and the people around them as a result of their insecurities.
2. Does this make me look like a good person?
Being a good person is a lot of work and takes a considerable amount of effort. Between pretending to know about IPAs, keeping up with the catalog of urban outfitters, and going to places that serve drinks in mason jars your average 20 something just doesn't have time to out and volunteer. Luckily the marathon which is usually a charity event allows them to both appear exciting and altruistic
People only run marathons so they can smugly point out they're running a marathon. No one actually enjoys it. How could they? Running is a tedious and terrible activity and a marathon is actually a variation on a form of torture. Remember the Bataan death march??

The Nude Disparity

Do you have any idea how small the actual percentage of people other people would actually like to see naked really is? Just think about it we literally have whole multi-million dollar media formats to find people that the rest of want to see naked, and it turns out these people are so rare and in such high demand that can ask for multi-million dollar salaries. No one wants to see me naked, and I don't blame them. I don't feel so bad about it though because odds are no one wants to see you naked either.

Things I've Learned From Online Dating

Hey did you know the country is apparently just teeming with artistic intellectuals? I mean just who knew? I was on okcupid a popular dating site among 20 somethings and after reviewing a number of profiles I can only conclude every girl has read and loves every book by Charles Bukowsky and Chuck Palahnuik, every girl is a photographer, every girl enjoy a life of intellectual pursuits. Oh yeah and every girl is also a confirmed bisexual. What that doesn't match any statistical data?  Did you think 20 somethings were mostly just vapid, drunken, idiots? Its a common misconception. Did you know having tattoos automatically makes you artistic and deep? Yeah its true that may sounds superficial but nope its the honest truth if you've ever gotten a tattoo you are a fringe artist intellectual type. Also you know how there's sky high unemployment and a record number of unemployed graduates with advance degrees? Well it turns out that's not going to happen to any of the people currently in college! They're all so smart and special there's no way they're not going to become professional painters, filmmakers, marketers, photographers, or something called communications specialists! This was really surprising to me. As I always thought artists and intellectuals were sort of rare breeds hence the label, but no apparently anyone who has ever bought a macbook is Andy fuckin Warhol.

Haters The New Imaginary Friends

Are you on Facebook? Of course you are. Everyone in the so-called civilized world is. Now I would like to pose a question to those of you in the 25-30 demographic. Did you ever think at this age people would still be so obsessed with things like "finding out who their real friends are" and trying to "weed out the haters"?  That's right adults, grown people, people potentially responsible for the lives of children still can't over the idea their friends might not like them as much as they think they do. They are concerned people have come into their lulled them into thinking their friends for the sole-purpose of sabotaging their life's dreams. This bizarre, delusional, and overtly narcissistic way of thinking has manifested itself into millions of memes with quotes about "real friendship". Yes lessons formerly reserved for children shows about the importance of friends are now being disseminated and shared among adults and they absolutely eat it up. Without getting into how fucked up it is Facebook literally has given everyone a digital shrine to themselves it has produced tens of millions of people who truly believe what they are doing is so important there are people who feel the need to go great lengths to derail them. As if they're all on some epic life journey that's going to culminate into something so grandiose they're going to need a list of all those people who stood in their way! It's as if everyone believes they're living a VH1 behind the music special that's going to recount all the minor betrayals they faced.  I wonder how many millions of people aren't going to get over this illusion of celebrity until they're death beds. How many people will be on a respirator before they realize no one actually gives a fuck about what they're doing, and the time to worry about who "your real friends are" ended when they left high school.