The Choice Is Yours!

We're living in that brave new world now. Technology is taking us to exciting new places we never thought possible. Communications are global and instant, we are witness the birth of commercial space travel, and particle physicist have found the god particle (whatever the fuck that means). So it seems we have to be ready for when we inevitably start traveling through time, and as we all learned from "The Terminator" time travel will become a method of abortion. So we have to start thinking about what this means for us a society now. Ground rules have to be laid down and the ethics of this exciting new concept thoroughly debated and discussed. Do you want to be sitting around one day then all the sudden you just get blinked out of existence because someone went back to 1982 and stabbed your dad in the dick? So we must take the time now to explore this whole new dimension of the abortion debate. Speaking of which have you ever noticed you never meet abortionists? I've never met one in my entire life and all the time I was in school I never met someone who said they were studying to become an abortionists. I've always had a hard time feeling one way or another about abortion, and as misogynistic as it may sound the reason is probably because I don't have a uterus. Now looking past the whole right to choose issue and its implications for the rights of women I just want to say I'm pro-abortion as long as I get to make the choice. Let me explain. Remember in high-school how there was that one really stuck up hot bitch? Remember when she got pregnant and her life ended? Wasn't that great? Now what if she was able to get an abortion? Then you never would have been able to watch her life fall apart. Now as I said I'm generally pro choice but that's a situation that's just too too sweet. Speaking of unplanned pregnancies you know those people who always talk about what a "blessing" their kid is but you know it was a total accident? Don't you ever just want to call them on it? I wounder if kids born to in states where abortions illegal figure out their accidents long before kids in other states. What was I talking about again?

Boys In The Priesthood

There are people who think priests should be able to get married, because they're convinced this will somehow put an end to the sexual abuse of children in the church. This is pure bullshit. First off someone whose going to molest children will decide they like molesting children whether or not women are an option. Secondly haven't you ever seen Star Wars or Game Of Thrones? There's a reason why the Jedi and members of the Knights Watch take vows of celibacy and that's because people trolling for pussy simply are not dependable. Guys who think there's the possibility they can get laid do not act altruistically and do not keep the greater good in mind. Ladies do you think its a good idea to take spiritual advice from someone claiming to represent god on earth when they might just be thinking about fucking you? No its a terrible idea. Now women in the priesthood might be a thing to think about if you want some reform.

There's A Mass Shooting Gap!

Did you know Russia just had their first ever school shooting this year. How pathetic, grow up Russia! Shit school shootings haven't even been cool here since the late 90's. Now we have about one of those a day here in the states. They're just minor blips on the news between the latest update on Jay Z and the many health benefits of Chocolate. Daily random acts of violence perpetrated by children are just one of the many benefits of having a free and open democracy!. Its ok though when the Russians become sufficiently free after the right free market reforms than they can enjoy all the wanton violence that comes with having a society like ours, but for now you gotta face it Russia you got nothin on us! We built way more missiles in the cold war now we're beating your asses in the race to produce petty mass murders! USA! USA! USA!

Cum All Ye Faithful

The mysticism surrounding the female orgasm sounds like self-indulgent bullshit. Why is it when a guy cums he just "busting a nut" but when a woman cums she's "experiencing some deep emotional and spiritual awakening" that's way too complex and deep for anyone to even begin to understand? How do you know I'm not getting all spiritual when I'm popping?

God Wouldn't Want To Meet You

There are quite a number of people who believe if they live their lives according to a code of specified moral their reward in the after life (that's life eternal existence that comes after this one making this life pointless) will be "to walk with God in the kingdom of heaven". Now for arguments sake lets just suppose this is true. Lets suppose there is a God, a heaven, and only people deemed worthy are granted access. How can you be some egotistical as to assume God, an omnipotent building who apparently created the universe would want to spend its time conversing with you? What have you done that's so interesting?  Do you really think God, the same God that sculpted the planet and thought up all this weird shit to put on it would really find you all that fascinating where it would want to actually hold a conversation with you? What would you say? Besides if God is all seeing and all knowing it would know all your stories already anyway. Do you really think God gives a fuck you passed the bar, rode your bike to farmers markets, or could fart jingle bells? Another thing if everything that happens is according to this planet happens to God's plan doesn't it really seem like some people are getting fucked over? I'm not just talking about the disparity in wealth and things like that. I mean its already clear God doesn't love everyone equally George Clooney is proof of that. I'm talking about the people who really get the shaft like child molesters. Ok so apparently he made these people who have a really strong inclination to have sex with children and traumatize them for life. So God's plan is to make one miserable person make another person really miserable? So the child molester never had a chance he was born going to hell and this kid was born to get sodomized. What as a test of faith? Have you ever heard someone say something happened to them to "Test their faith". "God took little Billy from us as a test of faith". You'd have to be on arrogant motherfucker to think a little kid sat around with brain cancer just for you to learn a lesson about faith. Do you think when this kid died he got to heaven and said "Well that was an awful ten years but I'm glad somebody learned something!"

Dead People Can Be Assholes Too

I really hate that little cult of praise that springs up around people the instant they die. Why is it people can't talk bad about dead people? In fact the only things you can say about a person for some reason are good things. they always talk about what potential they had, what might have been, and I notice 99% of the time what they were doing while they were alive doesn't even comes close to matching the hypothetical shit you could of done.  People may also claim the deceased was "taken too soon".  Why is it always too soon? What if the timing was just right? some of people i hear about dying I think how that didn't come a moment to late. Being dead doesn't somehow just make everything you did go away, dead people can be assholes to not every memory is one that needs to live on. Next time you find yourself at the service, which is a fucked up name for it because the only thing it services is the egos of the family that need to bribe all their friends and family with a free lunch so they can go stand around a fuckin dead body for an hour, but anyway next time Just say I'm here for the scalloped potatoes.

Getting Any Bars Out Here?

I kinda hope cell signals do cause cancer. If I ever got a brain tumor I would like be able to contribute it to the millions of dick pics flying through the air at the speed of light every day. Plus I think one of the biggest satisfactions I get in life is looking around me and thinking, "all these people will be dead one day". It would be nice to think it will happen slow and painfully too. 

Designer Genes

ugh I'm short, have body hair, I probably have a stroke to look forward to, and now whenever I drink milk my ass makes a waterfall. My parents should really be compensating me for all the crappy genes I was given. People if you're going to breed think long and hard about the children you're going to make. They will be the culmination of all your genetic deficiencies!

Protection

I like the setup CVS has where you have to press the button so someone can hopefully be alerted that you need them to open the little glass case where they keep the condoms. After they make you stand there awkwardly for a sufficient amount of time they come over and ask you which ones you'd like. Then you get to tell them you want the cheapest ones on the rack. Its fantastic not once through the whole process did I feel like an asshole. 

Prison: Your Future Starts Here!

Have you just entered adulthood and are now facing an uncertain future. Do high tuition costs and a poor job market have you questioning the value of a higher education? Sure you could always study to be a computer engineer, a microbiologist, or a doctor, but odds are you won't. Those jobs are very difficult to do and that's why they pay so well, because very few people can actually do them. So what do you do? How about a trade? Well sure that might be fine for right now but there has been a huge influx in enrollment for trade school so its only a matter of time before that markets flooded. So it seems here the question is, how do you get acquire new skills without incurring the heavy debt that comes with education? Have you considered prison? Prison offers inmates a variety of educational courses and work opportunities complete with on the job training! You can perfect the culinary arts in the kitchen as you slap unidentifiable meat on wonder bread! Have a passion for fashion? Delve into the world of designer brands as you sew them together for 10 cents an hour! Yep prison has it all. Not only will you receive a free education and work experience to put on your resume your room and board will be free as well! Make life long friends and connections as you explore the wonderful world of prison!

End World Hunger! Eat An American!

It is estimated that at least 1/3 of the adults in the United States can be considered obese (at least 30 pounds overweight or heavier). As of 2009 not a single state could meet the rather modest goal of an obesity rate of only 15%. It is projected that by 2018 obesity related health problems will cost the America health care system around 344 billion dollars every year, and that by 2019/2020 the obesity rate will rise from around 33% to around 43%. In rather startling contrast in 2009 around 925 million people world wide were considered to be “living in hunger”. Due to world economic crisis and the rising cost of food that number is expected to do nothing but rise. Could it be that on problem could solve the other? The proposal of cannibalism as a method of impeding an epidemic of hunger is no new idea. I'm sure every ones familiar with Johnathan Swift's “A Modest Proposal”. The problem is when Johnathan Swift wrote A Modest Proposal it was 1729 in Ireland. His solution to eat the children was quaint but we live in a global community now where our every action as a a nation has a ripple effect unlike anything Swift or Ireland for that matter could ever imagine. If we are to keep our positions as the light of civilization and leader of the free world we will have to look beyond our own national problems and to the ones we face as a globe. How can that be done though? How can we act in such a way that would solve one of the world's most daunting dilemmas while at the same time not putting any strain on ourselves and our resources? Well if nearly a billion people around the world need food and we have millions of obese citizens isn't that a win win? Right now we are a country with hundreds of millions of pounds of good meat just going to waste. I know some of you may have some moral opposition to cannibalism but wait, it wouldn't be us eating them. It would be all those little hungry people of the world. The benefits would be enormous. We could substantially lower health care costs over time and prove to the world we are a country that can lead the world in the new century. We are a country with the people and the resources needed to get those tough jobs done, and just think of the those starving people. Right now there are nearly a billion people who are going to die unnecessarily all because people can't understand what a good idea this is. If you do not act to help implement this plan, if you reject this “modern proposal” then all you are saying is “I don't care about the starving people. Let them die I'm going to Dennys”. Worst than that though you are betraying America and the future children of America. It will be them who have to work to pay those massive healthcare costs, it is them who won't have insurance, it is the children who will suffer and the obese who will fill our hospitals. Every second we don't act is another second a child dies when all that was needed to save him was the single leg of a citizen of Mississippi.

Die Young! Its Great P.R.

Are you about 19-23 years old and have spent the majority of those years being an inconsiderate asshole? Were you an idiot before but now that you've been introduced into the binge drinking culture of college you've become utterly insufferable? Well if you're like millions of other white over-privileged American youths the answer to all these questions is probably yes. It may seem like you have life by the balls now, you're young, attractive, go to a reputable school, and as far as everyone's concerned you have your whole life ahead of you. The possibilities are just endless. WAIT! There's a problem eventually this time in your life will end, your looks will fade, your degree will prove useless (even if it does get you a job it will probably be in some morally reprehensible field like marketing), and everyone will realize that vast potential they thought you had may have been a bit overstated. So what do you do? Die young! I'm part of what has been dubbed "generation-x", we grew up on MTV, and every year they would report from the hedonistic orgies of excess they called spring break that at least a hand full of drunk assholes had fallen to their deaths from hotel balconies. This was in an effort to remind us to be safe in between segments of them literally shooting super soakers full of liquor at people on the street. Anyway after these people fell victim to mean old gravity they would parade the families in front of us in tv specials they aired the next year to proceeded spring break in an effort to appear to have some kind of social conscious. Let me remind you these specials were produced by the same network that brought us spring break. These grieving parents would go on to tell America what great, smart, and wonderful kids Claire, Jason, Stephanie, and Jake were. How they were going to go to medical school, or become engineers, or senate aids, or whatever. During all this no one stood up and said, "Jake fell off a balcony. I'm not sure he understood gravity. His chances of getting into med-school were probably slim at best." That's the way its always been though. No one wants to call out a dead young person on their bullshit and point out what assholes they really were. Instead they want to build a cult around them and act like they're somehow humanities lost treasures. Its only going to get worse with the "Y" generation. These kids are the biggest bunch turds to slither from America's rectum. Self absorbed, arrogant, and hedonistic these kids don't have a chance, and they have no future. The best thing that can happen to them is to die young in an accident caused by their own stupidity.

What A Bright Future!

I'm very excited about the future! Why you ask? Well the internet has made me realize everyone is an expert on everything. Its true, just ask anyone on your facebook or twitter any question about anything and chances are they will have an answer for you and you need not look any further for more information or advice on the topic. Want to go on a diet but you don't know which foods are best for you? Well just make that your status and someone will be right there with any answer! Maybe you're incredibly ill and you want to know why. Well fuck the doctor it turns out you know hundreds of people with unlimited medical expertise who had no need for medical school. Just ask them! Maybe you're wondering what keeps the planets aligned and spinning? Welp everyone knows except for you! Yep turns out people just know everything now. Every facet of this incredibly complex experience known as existence has all been pretty much figured out, and it turns it wasn't even that complicated! Before the internet I had no idea the world had so many doctors, engineers, economists, biologists, meteorologists, dietitians, art experts, physicists and zoologists. These were all things I thought took years to master turns out all it takes is the better part of the afternoon. Yep with this many people having such vast expertise the world should be a better place in no time.

I'm Being Gentrified!

Gentrification is a hot button issue in Chicago, and now I think I as a white male of all things am falling victim to it! Let me explain. I saw a real attractive girl moved a few doors down from. Tall, slender, blond, sky blue eyes. You know that Aryan kind of pretty. Anyway my reaction to this was quite a bit different from when I saw pretty girls moving in close proximity to me just a few years ago. Back in college it was the shit living around so many girls. I couldn't help but think of all the possible places hormones and whiskey could take me. Now all I think is "fuck my rents going to go up" and if I see a stroller on that porch one day I'll know I'm fucked for sure.  I think I might be what urban planners call "blight"

Language Barrier

I enjoy living in a building where no one speaks the same language. It allows you to avoid those tedious, boring, and awkward conversations that occur when you find yourself coming home the same time as someone else. I've noticed white people in their 20s seem to always feel compelled to have these conversations. They always cover the same points, how ya doing? where ya been? what will you be doing later? They think its being polite when really its the exact opposite, because it causes pain and discomfort. Its kinda like those people who hold the door for you even though you're still a good distance away so you have to run up to the door so as not to make them wait making their "kind gesture" completely moot. I hate having to pretend to give a shit about someone and their day and I know they hate it too. So lets not!