Adopt and Accessorize

There is a hot new accessory that the elite of chic just can't get enough of. Its the hottest new trend to hit A-list celebrity circles since pretending to be Buddhist. I am of course talking about children adopting orphans from the troubled nations talked about on the largest news networks. For a while Chinese girls were all the rage when it came to accessorizing with your casual wear, and nothing compliments your most glamorous evening dresses like a war orphan from the Sudan. Where will the next must have babies come from? Well rumor has it Nigerians will be the look this summer! According to fashion moguls adolescent Nigerien girls go great with fedoras and self-righteous indignation.

Bombing at the Ivy League

We should close Harvard, Yale, and Stanford. There is something deeply troubling about these places as they all seem to have produced a staggering number of mass murders. Yale brought us G.W. Bush. Between Iraq and Afghanistan his body count stands at somewhere around 1 million. Harvard gave us Obama. His hobby seems to be playing with remote control robots that lob missiles at children. Then there's Stanford. Wilson was the president of Stanford before he became president of the United States and his lasting legacy is racing into the first world war after spending his whole campaign promising to do exactly the opposite. What is it about these institutions that inspire these sorts of killers that operate on such a massive scale? If you have a kid who is seriously considering attending one of these schools you should have them psychologically evaluated. Maybe you've never really given any thought as to why their hobbies always seemed to be shop lifting, arson, and torturing animals, but hopefully wanting to get into Yale fraternity will set off some alarms.

Phuck You!

Why have silent letters? Isn't the whole point of a letter to represent a sound, almost like the equivalent of a musical note? Why add letters to words that aren't supposed to be there? Also why combine two letters to make the sound one letter already makes? Like ph sounding like f. Well there was already fucking f so why do the whole ph thing? Why is it phone and not fone? How do these words get decided upon anyway? Why did phone get the whole ph thing and not fuck?

Finding Opportunity in Tragedy

Next weekend is a holiday weekend here in the states. For those of you who are unfamiliar July 4th is when we celebrate the birth of America. Now I don't particularly care about America. Nations are a primitive notion based on tribalism yada yada yada. Setting all that aside though I do enjoy having a couple days off so I can binge drink. Now here in America employers have a habit of giving their employees the holiday itself (if they give time off at all) off but not the subsequent day severely limiting what one can do with that day. So I decided to just ask for July 5th off so I can be as hung over as I want that day and not have to worry about shitty work. I asked as soon as I could as I figured lots of people would request this day. My boss informed me that he was unsure I could take that day because a number of people already had. Well that night I was on facebook and I read about a comedian from Chicago who overdosed and died in New York. I didn't think much of it as I never met the person. Now two days later my boss calls and says if I close for him while he goes to a wake I can have the 5th off. Turns out the person's wake he was going to was the same person I read about on facebook. Isn't it strange how life works? Someone dies in New York and somehow I get a day off. Just think of all the events that had to transpire in his life as well as mine to add up to that. I don't like benefiting from tragedy, but sometimes it just happens that way. That got me thinking about other people who may have benefited from tragedy. Like 9/11 the world trade center was a giant office space and you just know there was someone going into work that day that didn't finish a presentation, forgot to bring a report, or just had some unpleasant news to deliver. He or she was probably sitting on the train treading that moment when they would have to face the consequences but then they get there and the whole thing has collapse. They must have breathed a sigh of relief. I'm sure there were plenty of instances of that in Hiroshima as well. Someone was ridding into town on the train just scared out of their mind about having to confront the boss then bam flash of blinding light and hey no more work to worry about.

REBOOT V. 2.45.35.24. Beta!

If you're gonna do something do it right. Makes enough sense. If something does what its supposed to and does it satisfactorily there is generally no need to improve upon it and it can be left alone to serve its purpose until progress eventually renders it obsolete. Well apparently this way of thinking itself has become obsolete. Nothing works, nothing has been done right, and everything needs to be updated, rebooted, and remade. As it turns out everything ever made is laughably inadequate and needs to be redone. Advertisers have actually turned this into a selling point. Take Dominoes for instance their big marketing campaign has centered around on how awful their food was and now they're making good on it by revamping the recipe. Hollywood has done the same thing and has even coined a cute new marketing term for taking something they just fucked up the first time and slightly improving upon it. They call it "rebooting". As it turns out a number of movies they spent millions making and even millions more convincing us to see actually sucked ass and they have come to terms with this and decided to "reboot" these titles in the hopes that this time it can be done right! I'm sure there's no possible way 5 to 10 years from now they'll be "rebooting" the reboots that happened to suck just as bad as the originals. Where did this ploy of making things and deciding they were shitty and needed to be redone for a handsome profit come from? My guess is Microsoft which has been making dysfunctional crap for years, got it right once (XP) and decided to "upgrade" only to come out with something worse. Now everything they make requires constant updates and upgrades cause apparently it wasn't right the first time, but by god that didn't stop them from selling it and my guess is it never will. So if there's one thing we've learned over the last two decades there is far more long term reward in doing something half-assed. That way when you admit it sucks come along and fix people will somehow mistake your laziness, greed, and negligence for integrity.

Stop being intolerant you stupid red necks!

The parents of America have taken on a new crusade, they're gonna put an end to bullying in our schools! How are they going to accomplish this? Through a number of so-called zero tolerance policies that mandate punishments such as expulsion and in some cases even jail time for what was once just considered normal childhood behavior that could be dealt with by a teacher with a simple reprimand. Well as it turns out that just wasn't enough. It turns out bullies are sick people who need to be ostracized from society immediately! As it turns the only way to combat bullying, behavior characterized by violence and intimidation is through policies of violence and intimidation. This brilliant idea is yet another from apparently educated liberal types who only want to see children flourish, except of course if one the children happens to use a racial or homophobic slur than its off to the gallows! The most tragic and funny thing about people who take up these types of pointless social causes is that they are more often than not college educated white collar professionals. Presumably these so-called educated people took a few social science classes while they were attending their fancy universities. So what happened when they were taking sociology? Shouldn't they have learned there are things called "life chances" and people are often times just products of their upbringing which is heavily influenced by socioeconomic status? Shouldn't someone have told these enlightened people that often times people on the lower rungs of society often embrace things like racism and homophobia as kind of a defense mechanism? The obvious solution to these problems is an economic and social revolution that would involve a vast redistribution of wealth and the reintegration of the poor into the formal economy, but that just sounds way too hard. How is the American liberal going to find time to do this between yoga classes and cocktails? So like any concerned Americans instead of tackling the systemic cause they decided to use their money and clout to launch a campaign of violence against children, and of course the children of the poor will be the most heavily victimized by this, because as I said above it is children of the poor who are most likely to be brought up with a hateful ideology. So now when they go to school and use the word nigger or fag they will be treated like felons. They will be kicked out of school and their lives will be quickly ruined because of policies promoted by people who routinely use slurs like red neck or hick.

The Reason for the Season

Lets stop pretending like there's really still a St. Patrick's day, a Cinco De Mayo, a Halloween, or gay pride and lets just start calling all these days what they really are, "National drunk college girls in skimpy outfits day." Lets be honest in a decade or so kids won't be trick or treating. There will be too many reports about people putting semen in candy or whatever, but drunk college chicks will still be dressing up like slutty fill in the blank. Mexicans will only think about Cinco De Mayo in passing ball over college campuses and metropolitan areas half naked college girls will be chugging margaritas. Drunk college girls apparently don't get the attention they deserve so they're forced to co-opt other holidays. We need to change that and just start recognizing all the holidays they make fashionable to celebrate by making those holidays for them!